Help, I Need Somebody: When To Seek Marriage Counseling
Have you been wondering if you need relationship counseling?
Lots of people do. You’re not alone, Friend. Bobby and I have counseled many over the years, and are always humbled and honored to do so. As I ponder these many conversations, tears and triumphs, I have learned some lessons.
In my opinion, your best bet is to seek Marriage Mentoring way early in the relationship. Marriage Mentoring is proactive and seeks to coach new couples through the ups and downs of new relationships. Do you agree that it’s better to prevent something from happening instead of fixing it afterward? This is a fantastic thing to do! Many churches offer really great programs.
Concerning relationship counseling, if you’re wondering if you need it, chances are that you do. So, why not get it done!
We have noticed over the years that people tend to wait too long. It doesn’t mean it’s too late, but it would have been easier earlier. Or, two people show up at the door, but it’s clear that only one came for counseling. They waited too long and one has checked out and is already focused on what’s going to happen “after.”
Anytime you think you should go for it. But, here are some hints that might help you know that you should be heading down that road:
1. When you aren’t talking or your talk is negative – Most relationship challenges relate to communication. Once communication has deteriorated, often it is hard to get it going back in the right direction without a little help.
2. When someone is withholding affection. If there is a habit of one person withholding affection/sex or giving the other the silent treatment in order to punish them, help should be sought.
3. When you’re not on the same sides. If it begins to feel as if you and your partner are on different sides, then it’s time to go to a counselor.
4. When you keep secrets. Each person in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you keep secrets from each other, something isn’t right.
5. When you think about or are having an affair. Relationships can survive after infidelity if both are committed. But even fantasizing or playing on the edges of an affair is a signal that you desire something different from what you currently have.
6. When you lie about money. Financial infidelity can be just as – if not more – damaging to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his or her spouse in the dark about spending or needs to control everything related to money, then the other should bring up seeking counsel.
7. When you feel everything would be OK if they would just change. The only person you can change is yourself, so if you’re waiting for them to change, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Getting some advice to better understand who you are, what you want and even more important, what you can do to be a better partner is wise. Later, couples counseling can also be sought.
8. When you’re living separate lives. When couples become more like roommates than a married couple, this may indicate a need for counseling.
9. When your sex life has changed. It’s not unusual for sex to taper off a little after you’ve been together for a while. However, significant changes in the bedroom signal something is not right.
10. When you argue over the same little things. A counselor can help a couple discuss these issues and figure out what the real root of the issue is.
11. When there are ongoing issues that won’t be solved. Some relationships have issues that carry over for months without any kind of resolution in sight.These challenges feel impossible, but they can be worked out and both partners can reach a reasonable resolution.
12. Your partner is physically abusive. Stop reading, get out and to safety. If you can’t make that happen, find a way to see a counselor alone and without your partner knowing. This is a good place to start to deal with problems in the safest way possible.
13. You have ever thought or anyone has every uttered either of the words Separation or Divorce. I’ll share something at the end about what I call “terminal language.” If someone’s using it, it’s a sign to seek counseling.
14. Your partner has asked you to go. If your partner has asked you to go, they are feeling some kind of pain and your relationship is likely worse off than you think. If it’s the opposite and you want to go but your partner refuses, go anyway. It can help you figure out how to deal with these issues productively.
Here’s a quiz that might help you decide if you should seek some counseling. But really after reading all of this, if you think you should, make the call. If your partner doesn’t agree, go yourself.
Something worth trying: This is a helpful quiz.
Mariage.com | Do I need marriage counseling?
Here’s what I referenced in # 13 above:
