I love Barefoot Contessa. Her cooking is top-notch, and I just want to be in the kitchen alongside her chatting, laughing, and making roast chicken and lemon bars. And her relationship with her adorable hubby, Jeffrey? Can you say Relationship Goals?
If you don’t know who she is, her actual name is Ina Garten, and Barefoot Contessa is the name of the specialty food store she opened in New York. She subsequently catapulted herself to success with numerous bestselling cookbooks and a show on Food Network. One of her cookbooks is named “Back To Basics.”
Even cooks at Ina Garten’s level recognize the need to execute the basics well. I think of the basic principles of a good relationship the same way. I read a lot of books about this and that strategy, and some are good. But, most of it comes down to the basics.
Here’s what Ina says: “People are always asking me what the new food trends are, but I have to admit that food trends really don’t interest me. One year, everyone’s cooking with foam. The next year, they’re doing improbable flavor combinations like oyster ice cream. Ugh-no, thank you! It turns out that what I need from a recipe is pretty simple: I want an easy recipe that I can hopefully make in advance, and when friends arrive, I want the house to smell wonderful. (And I wouldn’t mind if they thought I was a great cook, too.) That’s not too much to ask, is it? Maybe that’s why I’m far less excited by trendy new ingredients or fussy cooking techniques than I am by the basics; I don’t see any reason why we can’t buy perfectly good ingredients in a grocery store, cook them simply, and serve an absolutely delicious meal that will delight everyone at the table.”
Yes, Ina!!!! If you’ve been following along, you know that I’m writing a series for this relationship blog about relationships called “Back to Basics” which are essentially the basics of a relationship. My basics are predicated on the core values in the Bible or “Fruits of the Spirit.” They are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These concoctions are not as easy to make as Apple Crostata would be for Barefoot Contessa. But lucky for us, God is responsible to produce these in us. And if we do our part, these fruits produce delicioso results! We are 50% of a relationship. Who we are as a person impacts greatly what the relationship looks like and how successful it is. If we work on ourselves, we can make the relationship better – even if the other person does nothing.
If you are visiting with me for the first time and you don’t consider yourself a religious person, I’m so glad you’re here. Hang around here long enough and you’ll discover I’m not all that religious either.
So, I already covered how to show your partner unconditional love and being faithful in a relationship. This time? JOY. This one is tough for me. For many of you too, I bet. As soon as I chose Joy for this post, I knew some of you would be giving me the side-eye. Honestly, if it were physically possible, I would be giving myself the side-eye.
I once read, “If you want to learn something, read about it. If you want to understand something, write about it.” Full disclosure? I began writing this – and then stopped. Began again – aaaaaaand stopped. Enough. I have decided to plow through and maybe I’ll learn more than I knew when I started the first sentence. And I hope I look at this a few years from now and I’m busting out all over with joy. It’s time to start because JOY, while elusive, is critical to a meaningful life.
JOY. The time that I felt the most joy in my life was in my early 40’s right smack in the middle of two cancer surgeries and treatment. Talk about finding joy in difficult times. If you’ve never done this, this statement might take you by surprise. But, I don’t think this feeling is uncommon.
Finding Joy in Difficult Times
When life’s transiency and frailty were pressed right up against my nose, my everyday existence grew both threatened and sweeter in equal measures. It tested me, made me reach out to God in a way I never had before and of course, he came through. The things I learned produced an off-the-chart growth spurt in faith. And the happiness in hard times. It was and still is unexplainable. I recently came across a letter I wrote to encourage someone who had cancer. Here’s a portion of it that references bible versions about being joyful in hard times:
“The first thing I learned is that the Lord can and will provide supernatural peace and pure joy through our trial. During my crisis, I had peace that I know did not come from me. And there were instances where I felt such joy – joy I would not have experienced were it not for the cancer. James 1: 2-3 says ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.’
… I can say that He answered all of my prayers and more! I have learned so much and would go through it again if the Lord asked it of me but gave me a choice. This is a weighty statement, but it’s true.”
When life’s transiency and frailty were pressed right up against my nose, my everyday existence grew both threatened and sweeter in equal measures.
These small and inadequate words could not even explain what happened to me. But eventually I learned how to feel joyful. I was able to see more clearly that there was more to life than we had fathomed, and a world greater than this one.
Yes, JOY is a choice, but somehow in these life and death situations, the choice is more easily made.
My husband wrote me a love letter as a Christmas gift. BONUS HINT: This is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received. In it, he expresses his love of my joyfulness, specifically my dancing and singing around the house and how it impacts his mood. But in honest moments, I realize that I’m not always that way. Faces pass through my mind of people who might not experience this Lori every day. Sometimes I’m feeling beaten down by my critics, by the never-ending bad news on the television, by my longer-than-the-hours-in-my-day to do list, and by the things I try so desperately to control but just can’t. I’m not so joyful then.
This is my list. What is yours?
As I have been writing and pondering and writing and pondering, I’m reminded: Isn’t JOY a choice we all have every day? After all, nobody knows the amount of days we have left. So why don’t we act like it? Nothing has changed! Our everyday existence is still sweet. There is still more to life than we have fathomed. And there is still a world greater than this one. We’re missing it! Choose JOY.
OK, so this is hard. How to feel joy?
- Share joy with a smile. It seems so simple but it’s easy to forget as we get caught up in day-to-day life. Remind one another that you bring each other joy by smiling at one another and laughing with each other.
- Turn off the news! I recently took a week hiatus from the morning news. It did me a world of good.
- Do things for others. My husband reminded me that this is when he feels most joyful.
- Pray as a couple. It’s really hard to end prayer together not feeling more hopeful.
- Engage in an activity together that feels like play. Don’t make it something that’s intense or goal-oriented. For us, we make music together or watch concerts live or on TV.
- Encourage one another. It’s hard to be joyful when you’re sad or angry. A kind word can help to turn things around.
- Be silly! I am known for breaking into spontaneous songs or dances. Bobby has a witty, dry sense of humor that makes me laugh really loud every time.
Another bible verse about being joyful: “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22