I love Chris Stapleton. Before we go on in this relationship, if you don’t love Chris Stapleton, I don’t know if we can be friends. How I feel about his singing is past the point of love – something that transcends it, something indescribable, something there will never be ample words for. Haha! OK… that’s extra. Even for me.
My new fave song of his, which is co-written and sung with Pink, is “Just Say I’m Sorry.” Now, that’s a message I can get behind. It’s a plea to one’s lover to put their pride aside and live up to their mistakes. The lyrics are simple and so wise. If we could master this one thing, almost all marriages would be intact and thriving. Failing to apologize when one is called for often causes more damage than the initial hurt—because it expands the breach between you. But a good apology not only heals the first injury but also strengthens the whole relationship.
Chris Stapleton and Pink don’t have all of life figured out. I daresay they’d agree. I sure don’t. But the one who created us does. And he agrees with the songbirds.
“First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.” (Proverbs 16:18)
“Be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves . . . You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.” (Philippians 2:3, 5-6)
Pride destroys relationships, but humility is the antidote to pride. Humility builds relationships. The problem with pride is it’s self-deceiving. Everybody else can see it in us but us. When you have a problem with pride, you don’t see it in your life.
That has been true for me, but I’ve come to understand that pride is my worst vice. It shows up in my life in many ways: stubbornness, superficiality, and the need to be correct. That’s why I hate apologizing. It’s hard to admit when we’re wrong and even harder to ask someone to forgive us, especially if the other person was partly to blame. But messing up is part of being a human. So, apologizing is inevitable. At least it is if you want to keep those you love close.
So, say you’re sorry, OK?
A bad apology can make things worse.
It’s like throwing gasoline on a fire. They’re already angry. And hurt. Words are always essential, but this is a time when you need to get them right. Let’s start with what not to say.
I’m sorry that you feel that way. I’m sorry, but… I’m sorry if…
These words don’t take ownership of anything. These words imply that you think they might be overreacting. These words mean you’re not listening to them; you want to share your point and move it along.
But you know this. That’s. Why. You. Chose. These. Words.
Yeah. I know. I’ve purposely chosen them, too.
But. What’s your end game? Healing? Strengthening? Hitting that HAPPY 50th anniversary? Me, too.
Make sure you mean it.
There has been a lot written about toxic personalities and behaviors in relationships. You’ve probably heard terms like Gaslighting and Narcissism. These toxic forms of traits and behaviors show up all the time in apologies. A toxic apology is a form of words designed to make the other person look like the bad guy by suggesting that they have been ungracious and unbending and have unrealistic expectations. There’s an undercurrent of untruth and some subtle subtext at play that side-steps you into accepting responsibility.
There’s also that apology that’s too easy. Or manipulative. The one where healing and strengthening the relationship is not the point. Yes, you want something, but it’s not likely for the good of the whole.
Now, this might sound similar to what I said above. We’re all selfish sometimes. This is different. This pattern of behavior practiced over several years is designed to be deceitful and self-serving.
If this is you, you might not know it. Has anyone used these words to describe you? That doesn’t necessarily make it accurate, but take some time and be hard on yourself. Yes, hard. Reflect on your life and identify your problem areas. If anything rings true, make the changes necessary to love God, yourself, and others better. Sometimes, being hard on yourself is the best way to show true love.
If you’re gonna be toxic, you’re not ready for a relationship. But you can be. Get professional help, then step into the ring again when ready.
So, how should we apologize?
- Listen. Let them have their say. People need to be heard.
- Think about your part in this.
- Say you’re sorry and mean it.
- Say what it is that you’re apologizing for. Be specific.
- Show you understand why it was terrible, take ownership, and understand why you caused the hurt.
- Don’t make excuses.
- Say why it won’t happen again and explain precisely the steps you’re taking.
- If relevant, make reparations. Ask your partner what they need from you right now, then do it.
- Learn from your mistake and get better at that one thing and others. You won’t be perfect, but trying counts.
Apologies are hard. But they can save relationships and open the door to healing. Here, let Chris and Pink explain it.