In my last post, I shared my first article in a three-part series about conflict. I talked about how to decide when things need to be addressed with your partner. And I told a story about flying underwear. Yes, I did. About flying underwear. Here it is if you want to read it first.
This time, let’s talk about grace.
My car’s name is Gracie. I love her. A LOT. This is me and Gracie. Oh, and Bobby is there making me laugh…and he’s eating. Just a regular day in the life of us.
Gracie is a Chrysler Crossfire Roadster. I distinctly remember the first time I saw one. I was driving on the Pennsylvania turnpike, and I saw it approaching in my rear view mirror. My eyes tracked it as it blew by me, and I was instantly in love.
A few years later, I was driving home from work and talking to my mom on the phone. It was the night before Thanksgiving, I had left work much later than planned, and I was sorely lacking in time. I coordinate a free Thanksgiving Dinner for the Community, and I had so much to do that night! Out of nowhere, my little Sebring Convertible was slaaaammed by a big Lexus SUV! I fumbled for my phone on the floor, and told my nervous mom I was OK. As I kicked the door open to escape the car, I realized that it did not survive.
I had bigger worries, though, as I rushed to the other car to assure everyone was fine. In it was an older couple visiting their son for the holiday. As we were assuring each other that all was well, a man approached them and said, “I cannot wait any longer, but if you need a witness about what happened, here’s my card.” My stomach dropped to my feet, and I followed him as he walked away. I asked him what he had seen, and he told me, face red and voice angry, that I had driven through the red light causing the other car to hit me. I just looked at him stunned. Up until that point, I thought the accident was the other driver’s fault. I was so preoccupied that I didn’t even remember the red light. Rot ro.
The other driver confirmed it. Then the woman placed her hand on my arm and said, “Don’t worry, Honey; I did something exactly like this when I was young.” This was so kind, but it mortified me even more. These people were so sweet, and I had single-handedly ruined their car and their holiday.
I called my husband, quickly filled him in and asked him what I needed to do. “Do I need to call the Police?” “What should I say?”
He said, “Tell them the truth.” I said, “I know that I have to tell the truth, but what should I say?!!?” He said, “When you tell the truth, you don’t have to worry about what to say.” Oh. Yeah. Right. I immediately calmed down. I turned around and the Police were there. Apparently, while I was angsting out, the Good Couple had quietly taken care of business. I walked over, placed my hand now on the woman’s arm and confessed like I was at St. Peter’s gate. No one else had to say a word, including the Policeman. But after it was all over, Bobby and I wondered why I hadn’t gotten a ticket. I deserved it. Would I get one in the mail? I never did.
I had no car at this point, and my husband suggested that we finally get the car of my dreams, the Crossfire Roadster. Whaaat? Alrighty then! So, we did.
I was telling a group of friends this story, and our friend Matt said “Wait a minute! You blew through a red light and hit sweet old people. You didn’t get a ticket AND you got the car of your dreams? I laughed and said “Yes, I know! That’s grace, right?” And in that moment Gracie got her name because the word grace means undeserved gift.
God has extended grace to us, and we’re expected to extend it to others. Here’s a few things I’ve learned about extending grace:
- It’s unmerited. They don’t deserve it. Period.
- It’s a gift, not a loan. They don’t have to pay me back for it.
- It’s probably costly to me, but it doesn’t cost them a cent.
- Once I give it, it’s theirs to keep. I have no rights to it after it leaves my hands.
One of my favorite thinkers and speakers, Andy Stanley, says this about the subject in his book, ‘Grace of God’:
“Grace. It’s what we crave most when our guilt is exposed. It’s the very thing we are hesitant to extend when we are confronted with the guilt of others―especially when their guilt has robbed us of something we consider valuable.
Therein is the struggle, the struggle for grace. It’s this struggle that makes grace more story than doctrine. It’s the struggle that reminds us that grace is bigger than compassion or forgiveness. That struggle is the context for both. When we are on the receiving end, grace is refreshing. When it is required of us, it is often disturbing. But when correctly applied, it seems to solve just about everything. This struggle is not new; it has been going on since the beginning.”
So how do we extend grace in our relationships?
It all started for us one day many years ago. Bobby said something to offend me, and I was quick to tell him so. He listened, then said, “At this point, haven’t I earned the right to some slack from you? I’ve had a hard day, I’ve had to be careful with my words with everyone, and I need to be able to come here and just unload and not worry about saying everything just right!” I opened my mouth immediately to reply, then closed it. It was quiet for a minute. Then I said, “Yes. Yes, you have.”
That was the beginning of an understanding between us concerning “slack,” and it has done nothing but grow between us as the years have grown. You can call it grace if you want. Same thing.
Technically, according to the definition of grace, Bobby hadn’t really earned anything. He was not acting as he should and he knew it. But what he meant goes back to the discussion we had in the first article in this series. He was pointing out that not everything is worth dying on the hill for, and that he would appreciate if I didn’t have to make everything a discussion point. And, that I should be able to assume that the man I love and married has my best interest at heart. I should assume the best of him.
He was right.
I cannot tell you how much more peaceful our lives have become since employing grace in our relationship. Something that once required at the very least a heartfelt apology now doesn’t even show up on the radar. When this happens, while we often don’t even discuss it anymore, the recipient sees and feels the grace – and is grateful. And as it grows, the trust and intimacy does, too. There are other benefits. One is that both of us love to come home to the other. We have become a sanctuary for the other that we long for and seek. We also experience these love surges for each other. There’s something about my husband totally ignoring and then answering sweetly back to me when I’ve done something that was just not right that totally slays me. I’m telling you, a Godly husband is a sexy husband. I don’t care how the movies and books depict it.
I’m not saying that every issue should be handled this way. Read Flying Underwear. And next time, we’ll talk about healthy ways to address conflict when it is needing addressed.
Full transparency. We don’t always get it right. Sometimes, I feel like such a bad wife. I need to come back and read this again and again to remind myself. I’ll share the link at the bottom about that at the end.
This is a great time of year to talk about grace! God taught us about it at the very first Christmas. He sent His Son Jesus as a free gift and we do not deserve it. All we have to do is accept it. Here’s what Paul wrote about it in Ephesians 1:4-10 (The Message).
2 1-6 It wasn’t so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn’t know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It’s a wonder God didn’t lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah.
7-10 Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Merry Christmas from our house to yours, Dear Friends.
Here’s the link I promised about what I wrote one day when I was feeling like such a bad wife. And another about how we can go against the culture and show our partner, spouse, and others grace!
Did I Make This Whole Thing Up?