Never Lonely with Me

Rubbernecking is one of those things we all hate in principle but engage in at some point in our life.  Most people just can’t seem to help it. Have you ever felt simultaneously curious about something macabre and guilty for that same interest? I have. I’ve also been the unwilling subject of that kind of interest. You might have been, too.

My husband, Bobby, is a professional Champion drag racer. One of these stories starts with Bobby landing the Chrysler sponsorship for our fledgling racing operation.  It started small. Our Hero at Chrysler didn’t even know what a funny car was when he said yes to Bobby. He asked if he could have a ride in the car. Funny cars only have one seat. Ha! What an amazing vision this man showed. And trust. Bobby and I were thankful to him and we did everything we could to surpass his expectations and honor his trust.

The relationship was opportune for both of us, and as success grew, so did our racing budget. This particular year, we were replacing our roots supercharger with a new screw one. Stop rolling your eyes. I can see you. Ahem, I’ll explain. Because an engine acts as a giant air pump, the best way to make more power is to increase the amount of air that flows through it. The supercharger forces more oxygen into the motor, allowing more fuel to burn, and that in turn creates a higher power output.  The screw supercharger is more efficient.

MORRRRRRE POWERRRRRRRR!

That’s our screw supercharger under the injector. The injector is the yellow thingie on top. The supercharger is covered by a Kevlar “blanket” and straps for your safety and ours, so you can’t actually see it, but it’s there. Trust me.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Chrysler provided a brand new funny car body tested in the Chrysler wind tunnel. Bobby spent an all-night session there with the Chrysler engineers once, and can talk for hours about how fascinating it is.

After lots of excited brainstorming, Our Hero at Chrysler came up with the idea for the paint design. We hired Greg Ozubko, the best race car designer in the sport. Even though we’ve designed new race car schemes since then, that first rendering is in the place of honor on the wall above our fireplace today.

Finally, the car came back from the painter. I’ll never forget how I felt the first time I saw that beautiful car.

In the meantime our other hero and crew chief, Harry, had been working non-stop alongside Bobby on the engine. We placed our new SUPER-powered and SUPER-pretty baby in the trailer and off we went to test at the local track one weeknight evening. Friends and strangers alike were watching as we started her and rolled up to the starting line. Our hopes were high. So much work. So much sweat.

But the tears were coming.

The extra power collapsed the fuel tank, and BOOM! The engine exploded sending flames into the driver’s compartment. And everywhere else. The sun was just setting and the flames lit up the sky.  Down the track my beloved went in a terrifying ball of flames. Horrified, I jumped into the tow truck to rescue him.

When we got to the end of the track, Bobby was miraculously unhurt. Physically that is. The beautiful body and engine representing so much hard work and so many dreams was a disaster. Our rambunctious crew was uncharacteristically solemn. The track crew got it loaded onto a flat bed and began the slow drive back to our pit area. All racing had temporarily halted, and every eye was on the burned out car as the announcer recounted the incident. I was barely holding it together. Fans starting walking behind the flatbed and the crowd grew. They followed it all the way back to our pit.

Then the questions began. What happened? Wasn’t that the first time out with that new body? Do you know why it exploded? Are you going to be able to fix it? Are you going to have to stop racing?

I looked around and saw smiling, excited faces. There was pointing and avid discussions happening. It didn’t feel like compassion; it felt like people were being entertained. I had to escape into the trailer because I couldn’t maintain the All Is Fine Funny Car Wife Face one second longer. I cried for a while, had a little talk with God (OK, maybe it was a LOUD talk), then I went back out with my mask firmly back in place. I’ve never forgotten it.

In the end, this situation ended up just fine. And it certainly wasn’t the last time I saw my husband on fire. Welcome to funny car racing, Wife. We went on, continued to climb the ladder and had a wonderful and long career. In the racing scheme of things, this was just a normal blip. But how others acted that day – how we and our situation were promptly relegated to entertainment and fodder for gossip – has stayed with me. And it made me more sensitive to how others can feel very lonely amidst other people, sometimes even more so than if they were alone.

This exact same thing is happening every day around you – to ones you care about. Maybe it’s happening to you. People are in the middle of a disaster with their kids or their marriage. Most of the time they can hide behind the All Is Fine Face, but then something shifts and there it is. Sometimes we don’t mean to, but we rubberneck.

At times the problem is oh so obvious…and we look away and pretend we don’t see a thing.

Or, we watch silently and we’re just thankful it isn’t us.

Sometimes it’s shocking and we wonder how the person ever got themselves into such a mess. We watch in morbid curiosity. And we gossip.

OK. Everyone has done this at least once – probably more than once.  But what would you want someone to do for you in these kinds of situations?  We’re all looking for a formula because we’re afraid of doing the wrong thing. But there is no one way. If you have loving intentions, it’ll be alright. Here are some of my ideas.

Show up. In the past, I have been guilty of not wanting to intrude. When I lost my brother in a tragic plane crash, I learned a lot from others who did this really well. They just came. They didn’t demand attention or thanks. People in the midst of relationship chaos need help, too. Even if it’s their fault.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the pain of others. Sometimes we think that by talking about things with people, we are reminding them of it. They haven’t forgotten. People are often comforted by sharing worries and heartaches.

Just listen. We don’t have to fix anything. A friend reminded me of this recently when I was talking to him about a problem he has and was feeling like I needed an answer. He said, “It’s just helpful to talk to someone reasonable and use you as a sounding board.” I had forgotten that.

Don’t allow yourself to be caught up in drama. Comfort and protect them as much as you can from the drama. And with others, avoid responding to it or fueling it in any way. Don’t ask questions you have no need to ask or answer any questions that are not yours to answer.

Get your hands dirty. Helping others where they are is not pristine. Not everyone thinks like you. Acts like you. Makes decisions like you. Help them anyway.

Be discrete. I have learned over the years that a discrete person – one who can truly keep a confidence – is rare indeed. Be that person. Especially when the story is juicy. And, keep your help between you. This is about them, and everyone needs to hang onto some pride.

Offer specific help. When we’re in trouble, we’re too caught up in it to analyze what we need.  Don’t wait for them to call you. Or offer some vague “let me know if you need anything”. Help them pay for that counselor.  Offer to babysit. Or drive them to the lawyer. 

Don’t be judgmental. You might find yourself in the same situation one day.

Thank you for listening. I just pray that I’ve listened, too. I never want anyone to feel alone, especially when I’m there.

This article is about supporting other couples when they’re struggling. If you’re on the other side of this equation and your relationship is struggling, there’s lots of advice here for you. Go to the categories on the sidebar. Try this one first and keep going.

Advertise Your Man