Is it Time to Break Up?

We watch scary movies and know when to shout at the dumb girl who goes into the basement to investigate that noise. We revel in her stupidity and feel superior. If it were us, we assure ourselves, we wouldn’t be so foolish. Sure, we would. Funny thing about life, it’s so easy to view it from the outside. Love can be the same, don’t you think? Others look at our horror movie and just know we need to end the relationship.

But we don’t know and we just continue

down

  the

  steps

  to

  the

  basement.

But, is it time to break up? I’ve ended more than a few relationships but then waited around seven years for The One Who’s Still The One. I’ve listed some signs to look for that it’s likely time to end the relationship.

You don’t share the same values.

My values come from the Bible.  I’m a Jesus follower and truly all the right, practical decisions my husband and I have made our whole lives have been directed by our faith. It has answered every “should we or shouldn’t we” question. I know that you might not share my beliefs. You’re so welcome here! I hope you feel the same about me. And I’m going to share a principle about relationships that’s wise for everyone, no matter what you believe. This is an odd saying, but here goes.  It says, “Don’t plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.” Ohhh. Okaaaaay. Got it. I won’t ever do that. *eye roll* Haha! Here’s what it means.

These two animals cannot plow together. Why? Well, an ox and mule are two different species, they are built differently and have different strengths. The mule is taller than the ox, so it will have a longer stride. The ox is stronger than the mule. Therefore, the two animals pull against each other instead of pulling with each other. As a result, this combination will torture and maybe even injure the mule. This is a metaphor explaining that when two people are different at their very core, they cannot achieve a happy and productive union. Even if they try hard. Even if they love each other.

Differences in a couple are exciting and help us to grow as individuals. Bobby and I are very different.  But when those differences concern core life values, like what you believe about God, if you want to get married, have kids, or how you think about money, that’s when you’re unequally yoked.

You’re seeking support from others.

If you were promoted tomorrow, who would be the first person you’d call? What if you had an awful day? Did the funniest thing ever just happen? She should be your go-to. He, your very best friend. In a fulfilling, healthy relationship, the answer to those questions should always be your partner. If it’s not, take note. Sometimes it’s because they’re really not “your person” and likely will never be. Relationships sometimes don’t gel for indefinable reasons. Or, it might be because you feel judgment from them when you’re yourself. If this is the case, you could be sentencing yourself to a life of being with someone who really doesn’t know you.

No one else thinks this is a good idea.

It’s true that you don’t need everyone’s approval concerning your mate. But, if practically everyone in your life doesn’t like what this person is bringing to your table, it’s time to take a closer look. People may not say it, but you’ll feel the vibe. Target those particular people you respect for their relationship wisdom, and ask and listen to their opinion.

They’re not a great person. Or, they are, buuuut you just don’t like them.

Sometimes those darn endorphins fool us into staying in relationships with truly awful humans! Step back and look at the person’s character. Don’t invest in the physical package as no matter what this person looks like now, age will take its toll and you will be left with what remains. Is this person good at their core? Are they growing to be the kind of person you’ll want around in many years?

My experience is that people who influence you negatively are usually only in your life for a few short years, but they can leave stuff behind that lingers.  My advice? Don’t trade your future for someone who won’t even be in your future.

OK, they’re the opposite of awful. They’re a great human.  But, you can be in love with someone but just not like them. Do you like spending time with them? Do you laugh together – you know the kind of laughing where your face feels like it’s gonna break?  How would it go if you were stuck on Gilligan’s Island with them for ten years?

What if you’ve already said I Do?

If you’re married, and especially if you have kids, you made a promise and need to try to work together to make this relationship better. I highly recommend counseling; I’ve seen it work in situations that no one would have bet on. The key is that both people need to want it and be willing to do whatever it takes. There are some exceptions, of course, like if someone is being abused. If that’s happening, no matter your marital status, just leave and figure the rest out later. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They’ll know what to do next.

Conversely, I’ve seen unmarried people without children slogging away when it’s clear that they don’t fit together. They go to couples counseling, make each other miserable every day, and are clearly unhappy. Why? I don’t understand it. You are who I’ve written this for, my friend.

Time is your friend.

I waited seven years to marry my husband. And, let me tell you, when I was young I didn’t even know to dream for the life and love we have together. He just didn’t think he was ready to be the husband I deserved. Maybe he wasn’t then. But he’s everything I’ll ever need.

How did I know to wait? Hmm, that’s probably a whole other subject I’ll have to tackle. I wrote a letter to all of my nieces and nephews about how to choose a spouse. That’s an important first step.  You can eavesdrop.

What To Know Before Choosing a Spouse

This story is about a regular day in our life. I think it proves why it’s so important to say no now so that you can say yes forever.

Freezing At Five

A Post Worth Reading: Ashley Matteo |  How To Break Up With Someone Without Hurting Them