Achieve More Together

“Passion can be a dangerous thing. It can consume a man and blind him to all but the object about which he’s passionate. Yet, if you try to excise it from his spirit so he can enjoy his surroundings, he’s often not the same man, and you’re left with a shadow of who he used to be.”  This quote from a short story caught my attention recently. The story is fictional, but the subject is real. My husband and I know couples who think their goals for themselves and their relationship are at odds. They don’t understand that they can achieve more together.

My husband, Bobby, is a professional drag racer and a passionate man. I am also driven. We’ve learned a lot about managing the two. But when I read this quote, I think of The Most Famous Drag Racer, John Force.

Driving Force

Force is a 16-time NHRA champion driver with 151 career victories. As a child, he lived in logging camps, Indian reservations, migrant farms, and trailer parks. His fans love him for being a winner, but also for his rags to riches story.

Years ago, A&E featured him on the reality show “Driving Force” with his wife Laurie and three daughters. Even if you aren’t a drag racing fan, the show was fun to watch because it had the always-entertaining-John in it. But! I was shocked to learn that John and Laurie lived in separate houses. What?!? As episodes unfolded, it became clear that Laurie was devoted to her children. And John’s relentless drive for success and inattention to his home had severely impacted his family relationships. Later, a racing crash that nearly ended his career brought them back closer together.

Maybe you’re living John or Laurie’s life, where one’s passion is threatening the family’s stability. Or, perhaps both of you have pursued your individual goals and are now surprised to find yourselves miles apart. This distance doesn’t happen overnight; there are signs. A certain tension. A feeling in your gut that something isn’t right.

It’s wise to pay attention to this tension. With wisdom, life goals, including those for your marriage, can be achieved. In reality, you can achieve more together.

The best relationships are synergistic.

Synergy results when the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, where 1+1=3. Synergy means you and your partner progress further and faster together than if either of you were single. I don’t think these relationships are common. I can’t tell you how many men wistfully (and bitterly) have told me that they once raced but quit because they got married. Doing otherwise wasn’t an option. But I’ve seen for myself how we can achieve more together.

Tackling the Constraint of Time

1. Include each other in the goal whenever possible

When my husband started his racing career, he wisely knew that he needed to combine his driving and sales skills with my organizational and leadership skills. And I knew that, although it would be a taxing add-on to my corporate career, I needed to be there for the extreme highs and lows racers experience. Experiencing them together and talking about them after the fact were not at all the same. Later, I’ll share the link where I tell our exhilarating racing story and how this strategy benefitted us.

To be at almost every event, I had to use all of my vacation days. I would sleep in the truck on the way home, get a few hours of sleep, then paint my nails on the way out of the house to hide the grease I couldn’t scrub away. I was exhausted on Monday mornings, but it was worth it.

2. Balance tasks

My workaholic husband’s schedule was demanding, too, but was not regular like mine. He would work a stretch of 16 hour days, then have several days free. On those days, he took over the cleaning and laundry, on top of all of his work at home.

Bobby couldn’t assist with my job, but he gave me the freedom and space to get it done. And he looked for any way to help me. You’re staying late tonight to meet a deadline? I’ll order pizza. Your car was “on E” last night? Don’t worry Honey; I filled it up after you went to sleep.

3. Don’t forget Date Nights

We already spent a lot of time together at the track or while traveling. But we still purposely had date nights. They weren’t traditional ones, usually. Who had time for those? They were unplanned and spontaneous ones – we’d pull a blanket out and gaze at the stars. Or make dinner romantic by picnicking on the patio with blues music. I have come up with fun “no prep” date night ideas over the years, and I’ll share these, too!

4. Use one passion to enhance another

Later, Bobby pushed me to discover new passions, like this blog. I help others using relationship lessons, which is my personal goal. Writing gives me added incentive to invest myself into the relationship. Bobby helps with advice and editing. All this further enhances our relationship, another passion.

Be an “And Person”

My husband is famous for answering any either-or question with “yes.” He doesn’t like to choose between ribs and wings, thank you very much. He’d like both for dinner. That always makes me laugh! Honestly, I admire it. In the same way, the long-term resolution of conflicts between your personal goals and your relationship can be achieved by finding the “and” path so you can realize both your personal goals and your relationship goals simultaneously. I contend that you’ll achieve more together than if you were to tackle each area by yourself.

The story I’ve shared is specific to our situation. It’s likely irrelevant to you. That’s OK. I share what has worked for Bobby and me. And I try to provide context so that you can decide if what worked for us might work for you. I’m confident that you can figure what you need to change for your situation.

Today, Bobby is a champion driver and he now also helps others acquire the muscle car of their dreams. I’ve progressed in my corporate career, and have embarked on this fulfilling work for sharing my seasoned relationship advice.

We still do everything together. It works sooo much better that way.

Here’s the fun story of our racing career!

Some people think that achieving things means spending or making money. Not always. Here’s my perspective.

Put Money In Its Place

A post worth reading:

Sheila Wray Gregoire |How Do You Support Your Husband’s Passion–if It Makes You Lonely?