Do You Have a Transactional Relationship? 4 Ways to Love Without Expectations

Setting expectations in a relationship is a subject that isn’t talked about much, but it is one of the main reasons why relationships fail. Fortunately, there’s a solution: love without expectation. Let’s drive into what makes a transactional relationship fail and 4 ways to love your partner without expectations.

Relationships Take Work

At a drag race my husband and I were sponsoring, a businessman’s wife watched as one drag racer Kyle tore apart the bottom end, checked and replaced bearings. She observed how Mike, another racer took off the valve covers, check the pushrods, and set the valves. She kept her eye on yet a third racer, Larry who tore apart, serviced and reassembled the sizzling hot clutch. Me? I was repacking the parachutes. And finally, she took in how my husband Bobby cleaned all of the oil & clutch dust from every inch of the racing car.

Of course, her husband was enthralled with the process and hung on every word and action the crew and driver made that day. He even pitched in to help. This woman was lovely and smart, she asked a lot of questions and we bonded. I really liked her. But she complained about the work. Why in the world do you want to do this?!!!?? There are easier ways to make money!”

I threw back my head and laughed so hard. Yes, no matter how you look at it relationships take work just like the work involved in preparing for a car race. We laughed together, but she must have thought I was a bit loony for loving this racing thing this much.

This brought me to thinking about the keys to a happy relationship. To her, this outing was all about getting payback for putting in the work whether we’re talking job tasks or the number of hours. At the end of the day, she couldn’t understand how it was possible how two crazy car fanatics could have so much passion for car racing that at the end of the day, it didn’t matter who did what and why.

As a relationship and Christian marriage expert, I see this push-pull behavior in relationships all the time. Even if we say “I love you” and we pursue that relationship, still we keep score, even unintentionally. This is where having no expectations in a relationship can actually be for the better.

Here are some initial questions to determine whether you have more of a transactional relationship going on or are you working towards shared responsibility in a relationship:

• Have you ever negotiated anything like household chores with your partner?
• Have you ever found yourself thinking “I did this, this and this for him, and he can’t even do this one thing?”
• Do you have certain expectations of what role your partner should be playing in the relationship? For instance, do you find yourself asking, who cuts the grass versus who buys the groceries? Who works outside the home and who stays home with the kids?

So..what is a transactional relationship?

This is a dynamic where both partners are in it for themselves, and when partners do things for each other, there are expectations in a relationship. Almost all relationships start here. People tend to date a person because of what they will get out of it. I even recommend to people when choosing a spouse to make that decision analytically so they make the right choice.

Consider these transactional relationship examples:

• A couple relates to things, not people.
• The rapport is not one of respect and true love
• The relationship is solely defined by setting expectations in a relationship: “I do the grass, you do the groceries.”

A transactional marriage or relationship never gets past that transactional stage. I suspect that many, if not the majority, of relationships, ever do. I’ve fallen victim to this myself. There are times when I’ve done something for Bobby and expected something in return. But there’s a deeper foundation that some relationships reach, where people do things for each other just to make the other person happy. I truly believe that some relationships transcend selfishness, and reach a place where both partners can be happy because the other partner is happy. That is the definition of a good marriage.

So without ado, here are 4 ways to manage expectations in a relationship:  

#1. Let go of expectations 

What does true love look like? When you can just submit to your partner without focusing on yourself. When we attend car racing events, for example, Bobby and I serve each other because of our love, not because of what we might get from the other. Genuine concern for one another’s well-being is something that grew as the relationship progressed. After you accept the idea that you can let go of expectations and nothing bad will happen to your relationship by doing so, you’ll actually find that your needs will be met in the best way possible because you showed up for your partner.  This brings me to point #2.

#2. Show up for your partner

I first learned this saying “don’t wait for your turn” from my husband and he lives it by showing up for me first. Don’t wait for your partner to do it first. Or wait for permission. Be the first one to get this going in the direction it needs to go.

#3. Stop keeping score

Start seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Remember just to do things for them without expectation.  Stop expecting. Don’t hold them hostage until they meet your expectations. Just do.

#4. Honor shared responsibility in a relationship

I don’t remember ever having a discussion with Bobby about who was going to do what in our home.  We just never treated our relationship as transactional. But let me explain how shared responsibility in our relationship works. I’m not suggesting you have to do things exactly the same. I just want to give a few examples of how shared responsibility has evolved in our relationship.

• First, we do the things we like to do. Bobby likes to be outside, especially in the summer. The hotter it is, the better. He likes to cut the grass on his John Deere while surveying his kingdom. And he likes to wash his car while looking lovingly at the lovely paint. LOL. Sooooo, he cuts the grass and washes the cars.
• We both tend to take care of the things the other hates or is not gifted to do. I hate everything about doing laundry. Bobby does all the laundry except my clothes. That means all of his laundry and all of the sheets and towels. However, he cannot fold anything to save his life. I do that. That’s also why I fold and pack the parachutes on the race car, by the way. Bobby never learned to cook and doesn’t really care to learn. I’m a foodie and love everything about planning for, shopping for, and cooking a meal. I do that.
• For the rest, sometimes we share, and sometimes one person does them. For instance, who likes to do taxes? No one. Bleh. So, it depends on what’s going on that year. Have we let it go until the last possible minute? Um…usually, so it falls to whoever can eke out a few hours right before our appointment. When Bobby has had more flexible time in his schedule, it was all him for a few years. Other times it was all me. This year, we did everything together. How about cleaning the house? We share it. Somehow or another it’s turned out that Bobby usually cleans the toilets & sinks. I usually do the hard floors and mirrors. He always vacuums. I haven’t touched the vacuum cleaner in 30 years. I don’t even know why that is. It just is. I usually…well, you get the picture. It just happened, and we go with it. But, we don’t hesitate to do something the other does if it hasn’t been done in a while and nobody fights about it. Whatever works.

One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, sums up what it means to love without expectations better than I ever could.

“Happy couples decide they owe each other everything but are owed nothing in return. Christianity isn’t about getting what we deserve or giving to others what they deserve. It’s about getting what we don’t deserve and doing for others what was done for us. That reduces marriage to a submission competition—a race to the back of the line.” 

So tell me, do you want to stay in a transactional relationship or do you want to build an emotional connection in your relationship?

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