Assertiveness and the Four Styles of Communication

“Never mind. It’s fine.” This common response never actually means that someone is really fine, right?

According to a recent study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, poor communication is why relationships fail.

But wait! I thought the reason why do most relationships end was money, sex, and lack of engagement? Well, yes, those things count too, but communication is key in marriage. Active listening to your partner in a way that cements agreement, the banter leading to fun and attraction, the long conversations that instill trust and intimacy – all of these are examples of effective marital communication.  Good communication in marriage is the oil that lubricates the moving parts of a relationship. The words you choose and how you speak ultimately, lower the temperature during a fight and make an apology sincere.  

As a relationship expert who has counseled many couples, I’ve noticed that the lack of communication in a marriage usually persists for a long time before the relationship officially ends.  The good news is that there are ways to improve communication in a relationship. Start now with this communication style test (yes, honesty counts!) and understand the four styles.

#1. Passive Communication Style

When a person is passive in a relationship, s/he does not take an active part in the relationship. Rather s/he tries to keep the peace and avoid confrontations. But by not taking an active part in the relationship, a partner does not consider herself equal with her needs. And as a result, passive people are often unhappy in their relationships because of the lack of communication in a marriage. 

#2. Aggressive Communication Style

Aggressive behavior communication is the most obvious. Think of a bear with fangs and claws out. This person likes to be in charge! Strength is terrific, but when used without listening or compassion, aggression can kill a relationship faster. Who wants to live with a person like that? Aggressive communicators may get what they want for a time, but there’s nothing to get if the person they love withdraws or even leaves.

#3. Passive-Aggressive Communication Style

Passive-aggressive behavior in relationships is the most detrimental; therefore, I’ll spend more time here. It’s hard to spot as a manipulative and indirect form of aggression that’s often denied. The signs and symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior as the recipient is the feeling you get when your partner gives you the silent treatment, talks with sarcasm, sulks, and generally, speaks in circles where the words don’t add up.

This type of behavior can create emotional hurt in a relationship. And because it’s so subtle, it’s challenging to know how to recognize passive-aggressive behavior.

So what causes passive-aggressive behavior in a person? Weirdly enough, people will act this way because they:

• want to spare someone’s feelings
• think they’ll avert conflict
• want to be liked and avoid judgment or criticism
• are afraid of making a mistake
• don’t want to impose or burden someone
• don’t want to jeopardize a relationship

When you don’t share your concerns openly, you can’t find a resolution. If you act covertly instead of openly expressing your needs and disappointments, it’s confusing to your partner. When anger is expressed healthily, you can find a resolution and get closure. Instead, the anger is there and often felt, but it’s just under the surface and nothing is ever really solved. 

 

#4. Assertive Communication Style

This communication type in both personal and work relationships commands respect and is influential. It requires being direct, honest, open, without threatening the other and defending yourself. One can also have an assertive communication style without being demanding, aggressive, or manipulative. With that said, there are 6 assertive ways to communicate. Let’s look at these in both personal and work-related contexts. 

Assertive Ways to Communicate to Your Partner

Be honest – Open communication in a relationship is healthy and authentic. Communicate what you feel and think. You will send a mixed message when words clearly don’t match your insides. A typical example is when you say you’re fine, but your body language reveals that you’re unhappy. Your listener is confused, doesn’t know how to respond, and may not feel you can be trusted.

Engage Respectfully –  Respectful communication in relationships means you aren’t testing or avenging the other. If you’re rude, you’ll lose your partner and the meaning of your message will be lost. 

Be Concise – The impact of your speech is inversely related to its duration. Your influence wanes with words. When you beat around the bush, you look insecure and your message is confusing.

Be Clear – Direct communication in relationships requires expressing what you want without expecting your partner to read your mind. Instead of asking “What are you doing tonight,” which is ambiguous, state, “I’d like to see a movie tonight. Would you like to go with me?” Make a clear statement of what you think, feel, or want.

Listen, listen, listen – Active listening in relationships engages others and helps you attune your message so that they will be receptive. Paraphrasing and repeating show that you’re interested and provide an opportunity for clarification. Timing is critical. Don’t start meaningful conversations when someone is occupied. You’re being discourteous and interrupting their attention. You’ll be disappointed and are setting yourself up for an argument.

Own that assertive communicative style – This is hard. But if you courteously take responsibility for your own opinions, feelings, and needs, you’re projecting that you matter. And your message will be clear. 

Let’s Ask LOLO

I’ve now taught you about assertiveness and the four styles of communication. Good training always ends with a quiz, right?

This is LOLO singing a love song to her fiancé’. Let’s call him BOBO. 🙂  Apparently, there are problems in the relationship. Take a listen, then proceed to the first question.

 

Question 1: Which of the four communication styles does LOLO use to communicate to BOBO: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive?

Answer: Ding! Ding! Ding! The Passive-Aggressive communication style is the correct answer! You’re so smart.

 

Question 2: You are BOBO. What does LOLO want from you?

• Does LOLO want you to stay away from her?
• Does she want you to apologize?
• If you wanted to apologize (or get that ring back), will LOLO answer the phone?
• Does LOLO just wanna see your mama smile?

Answer: Who the heck knows? I don’t think BOBO knows either.

Don’t be LOLO. Communication styles can be learned! You can do this. You really can.

 

Struggling to improve your communication in your marriage?

In need of good relationship advice from the bible?

Help is here! Sign up to receive email notifications at my relationship blog and I’ll be there in your inbox, giving you positive relationship advice you need to move forward one step at a time.