How to Communicate Better in Marriage

What does nagging do to a relationship?

The more you fuss, remind and nudge, the more you push your partner away. In my work for a Facilities Management Company, very large corporations, hospitals, and universities trust us to manage everything related to their buildings. When a leak is reported, we treat it as an emergency no matter the degree of intensity. We know that even the slow, steady drip of a tiny leak can cause destruction. Just like the nagging in a relationship. 

And yet, nagging wife syndrome may make women feel they have control and that their communication is good. 

But a constant and persistent “drip” or “nudging” can actually lead to a lack of intimacy in a relationship. In the short term, you may get what you want because you nagged persistently. But that won’t save a relationship. 

Consider this story about a husband and wife relationship.

A friend at work was recently expressing his frustration concerning his nagging wife syndrome. He requested thirty minutes before being asked to do something when he gets home from work. Constant nagging made him feel pressured and annoyed which turns him off.  He also said that he could get things done more efficiently if he had a list and was trusted to prioritize that list according to his schedule. I asked him if he had spoken to his wife about this. He had not. Sounds like a good relationship conversation starter to me. 

Good Communication in Marriage Starts with Respect

Similarly, my husband has shared that when I tell him a need, he puts it on his schedule and prioritizes my request against all of the other things. He says that just because it isn’t done doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten.  When I nag him, I think he’s either ignoring me or he doesn’t think my need is important. Or worse, that he’s too stupid to remember it.  

He says that whether I mean it or not, he feels disrespect from me when I nag. For the most part, we have worked this out with more open communication such as questions to ask to improve a relationship or understanding the difference in communication styles in marriage. As a result of these insights, I have gotten better at not nagging and he has gotten better at communicating his timetable.  

But, the most important thing we’ve both learned. What we have in each other easily trumps the importance of these everyday items of life. And they ARE NOT worth sacrificing our peace.

Now, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about how to manage our needs together, especially at the beginning when we’re trying to build an emotional connection in a relationship. Nagging is akin to no communication in marriage. But if you can set communication goals for your marriage with the intention of saying it in a loving and respectful way like I’ve been sharing in this relationship blog, you will feel more confident in being able to trust your partner to get those tasks done. 

Back to the story about the husband and wife relationship.

Here’s what I suggested to improve the bad communication in marriage without the need for nagging: 

• Be kind and ask directly and specifically for what you want.
• Unpack your feelings. How do you feel when he doesn’t help around the house – unloved perhaps? How do you feel when she nags – disrespected? It may not go well this first time as you are working to break habits. That’s OK. That happened to us, too. Just work to make some progress this time and the next.

Here’s another intimate relationship story that shows how it’s possible to improve communication in marriage no matter how early the stage.

Many years ago when my husband and I were dating, I was frustrated by his lack of affection toward me.  It started on our first date. The whole night, he kept me guessing about if he was even into me or not. Our long-standing joke is that my Car Guy only became interested after the date when he walked me to the back door, saw the ’64 Chevy Impala SS Convertible in the drive, and realized that it was mine. Ha!  As time went on, I was seeing other boyfriends sending cards and flowers to their girls and holding their hands and such. I wasn’t getting any of that and I was hurt by it.

I was pretty prideful and didn’t think I should have to ask for these things. My communication style back then leaned heavily toward passive-aggressive. Neither of these made it easy for my boyfriend to know how to please me. Somehow, I put on my big girl panties and I asked him for a card now and again. Then, I said nothing else. The shutting up part was smart, but honestly, this had more to do with my bigger-than-a-house pride than me being too wise to nag.

A few weeks later, he showed up with a card. It had some nice words in it. I choked out as positive a thank you as I could muster.  I really wasn’t that thankful though because I thought he should have done it without me asking. I’m ashamed of this now.  But over time, I adopted a more direct communication in our relationship started asking as I could. And, I started enthusiastically thanking him for responding. And, oh, he kept responding…

Some Important Marriage Wisdom

I learned something really important that has stuck with me all these years. I learned that all along, he wanted to do the right thing, but he really didn’t know how. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt because he has always had my best interest at heart.  This worked out quite well by the way. Here I am writing on my site called “Hey Get a Room,” named for all the times friends have said that to us because of our great affection and love for one another – the signs of respect in a marriage.  What a long way we’ve come! 

Years later for our 29th wedding anniversary, Bobby gave me this card and we both laughed so, so hard.

We learned this lesson of effective communication strategies in relationships quite early on, thank God. Debbie Wilkins Baisden didn’t.  At least not as early on as she would have liked. In her article “Stop Being a Butthole Wife,” she offers the strongest argument I have ever heard against nagging in a relationship.  It’s heartbreaking. And something we all – you – need to heed. Here is an excerpt:

 ‘I was a butthole wife.  Until my husband died.

The day my husband left earth for heaven, all of my marriage problems vanished.  There was no one to fuss at, negotiate with, or play possum at bedtime (you know, when you pretend you’re asleep to bypass sex). 

Marriage is designed to be a reflection of Christ’s love for His people.  It’s supposed to be beautifully harmonious and intimate.  How often I screwed that up with bickering and manipulating.  I wanted a perfect husband who acted how I wanted, and if that didn’t happen, well, butthole wife was in full effect.  If only he could understand how right I was and how wrong he’d always be.  I needed to instruct him, question him, and remind him of his shortcomings.  After all, I was his “helpmate.”

The reality is, I wasn’t helping him or our marriage.   By pointing out each fault, I was poisoning the relationship.  Oh, it was still a good marriage and we deeply loved each other, but it was not what it could have been.  And now it was too late.

Days after his funeral, I stared at our dirty clothes basket that sat atop our dryer, knowing his clothes were inside.  I sighed so deeply.   Before me was the last load of laundry I would ever wash for that sweet man.  There would be no more dirty socks to pick up around the house.   Ever.

A week before I would have rolled my eyes at that basket.  But now, it held priceless treasures.  I waited weeks to wash those clothes.  My heart ached for dirty socks to once more be a part of my days.’

Enough said.  If you are seeing yourself in this story, it’s an emergency. Call the plumber.

Struggling to improve your communication in your marriage? In need of good relationship advice from the bible? Help is right here!

Sign up to receive email notifications at my relationship blog and I’ll be there in your inbox, giving you positive relationship advice you need to move forward.