Just Respect
I kinda fancy myself as being someone who knows a little something about marriage. I think it’s because it’s something I want to know about. So I study people, I ask questions and I read a lot of books. And, over the years we have counseled several people so I’ve learned from the inside the ways people can get off track and the ways they can turn it back around. That’s a beautiful thing, let me tell you. There really isn’t much that can’t be turned around if both really, really want it.
It’s gotten to the point that when I read a book on marriage, there’s not much there that’s new for me. But several years back, I read a book that taught me something I never knew, still don’t wholly understand and definitely have not mastered. The Book is called Love and Respect. I highly recommend it.
There is a lot more to it than this (for instance, information for husbands about how to love their wives better), but these are the things that surprised and challenge me even now as a wife:
- If one asks women to choose which one they could have, and they can only choose one – Love or Respect – most women will choose Love. If one asks men to choose which one they could have, and they can only choose one – Love or Respect – most men will choose Respect.
- Women think they should be loved unconditionally, but think that men should have to earn respect.
- Men find it harder to love their wives when they feel that she has contempt for him as a man. Right or wrong, men perceive disrespect as contempt. Similarly, women find it hard to respect their husbands when they don’t feel loved.
- Both men and women try to give to each other what they themselves want, not understanding that different sexes need different things.
- Here’s the thing that really got me. If a man feels disrespected, he likely thinks that his partner understands this concept, but is choosing not to respect him. Whaaat?
- When a man and woman don’t give each other their respective needs, something called The Crazy Cycle happens where lack of love and lack of respect keeps growing back and forth and it becomes an ever growing negative cycle. This cycle can be ended even if one person stops the behavior.
Mind blown.
We were reading this book as part of a Marriage Enrichment Group, and the discussion the first week was telling. Actually the lack of discussion was telling. I just wanted to know if this Respect Thing was true and what the heck did it really mean? Cuz honestly, if I didn’t understand it, how did I know if I was being disrespectful to a man I personally think is the greatest man on the face of the earth? (Alongside my daddy.) Welllll, the guys were not talkin’. A few jokes, a few vague comments…aaaaand nothing. It became apparent that this was one of those things that everyone was tip toeing around.
So, as soon as the car door closed in the driveway of our friends’ house, I started asking questions.
Her: Is this respect thing A Thing?
Him: Yes.
Her: How big of a thing?
Him: Pretty big.
Her: Have I ever been disrespectful?
Him: (Long pause) Wellllll…yes.
Her: (Whaaaat?…trying not to sound upset and keeping my tone and words as neutral as possible) Um…when was that?
Him: I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I don’t think you mean it….
Her: Definitely not, but I want to understand so that I don’t do it again.
Him: You really don’t know?
Her: No. Honestly, I don’t. Can you remember a time?
Him: Not right this minute.
Her: (This was getting uncomfortable) OK, can you point it out to me when it happens so I get it?
Him: Honey…it’s OK. You’re a wonderful wife.
OK, I’m not sure of the exact words of this conversation, and Bobby might even remember it differently. I just remember that the vibe was uncharacteristic of us: Indirect. Vague. Careful.
The conversation ended with Bobby explaining that with everything I mean to him and do for him, he hasn’t felt the need to make a big deal of it it. He knows I love him, I’m a wonderful wife, etc. I stated that I don’t want to do this and would like for him to point it out to me. He reluctantly said OK.
He never has. My take is that Bobby feels that extending grace is more wise in this situation than arguing about these things. I can respect that. And appreciate the wisdom and maturity he is showing. I wrote about the wisdom of doing this in some situations. But that hasn’t stopped me from trying to figure it out because it pains me when I think I might be paining him.
So, I’ve tried to pay attention to my behavior and his reactions, and I re-read the book. I think I have a little more understanding. I’m asking for some help here from my male friend readers. I have a lot more male readers than anyone (including me) thought I would have. So, please pipe up. We need your help here. And, you’re not my husband so you don’t need to step carefully. Ha!
Some of these things have been easy for me to see and I don’t struggle with them. But some of them, I do. Guys, if I don’t even mention one that’s obvious, I probably really stink at that one so you need to tell me. Ha!
Here we go. Men find it to be disrespectful when we:
Don’t respect their abilities. Men like to figure things out. You’ve heard the cliché about men not asking for directions? Well, if you’ve heard the cliché, you’ve also heard the ridicule women heap on this trait. But, when a man is putting something together or making his way to somewhere (just examples), it is a win for them to make it happen. Insisting on helping or that they ask someone else for help is disrespecting their ability to get it done. If we don’t trust them in this small thing, maybe we don’t trust them as a breadwinner…or as a father…
This one is one I have struggled with. I DO respect Bobby, but my “go to” mode is problem solving. I’m kind of good at it, so I jump in unthinkingly. Meh. I have not understood in the past how that could make my husband feel.
Criticize them in public. This is a big one. This is one I’ve gotten right. He gets it right, too. You’ll never hear us say anything negative about the other. This one is easy for me because I honestly don’t care about small imperfections. I expect them. He’s the same way. I find it easy to focus on the many Godly characteristics he displays and the many ways he adds beauty to my life. Women Friends: It is painful to our men when we criticize them to others or in front of others. You might think you’re teasing. It ain’t funny to him. Or, that he deserves it because it bugs you and he hasn’t changed. This is not the way to convince him.
Nag them. I have written about this one, too so I won’t elaborate too much. It’s important and a very common issue. When we nag, it implies that they are not smart enough to remember that it has to be done or respect their calendar and agenda. It means “I don’t trust you.”
Don’t respect their judgment. Basically, this comes down to respecting his knowledge, opinions and decisions. I don’t think this means that he thinks his are more important or valid than hers. He just doesn’t want what he says to be discounted. What I’ve read is that many men feel like they are respected at work, by their friends and by many other people – but not when they walk through the doors of their home.
One last thing: Keep in mind that 93 percent of all communication is non-verbal. How are you expressing belief – or not – in your man non-verbally?
I’m going to keep working on this one. How about you?
Just in case you’re wondering what I say to men about us, here’s some inside scoop I gave them. See if you agree.
