Inside Intel For Men – How Women Think About Sex

Hello, my fabulous men friends! So, I have a confession to make. When I started writing my advice to help people with their marriages and relationships, I really didn’t think you’d be interested. Not because I think you don’t care about your relationship. I guess I didn’t think you’d be interested in ME talking about it. But here we are – and I’m genuinely happy that I was wrong.

I named my site “Hey, Get A Room” because of the numerous times friends have said that to me and my husband over the last 39 years – many while sticking their finger down their throat. Ha!

I’ve decided that we need a convo just between us. I did that for my women friends too when I wrote about the subject of nagging. I’ll post the link at the bottom of the page in case you want to eavesdrop.

A few years ago, we were with a group of friends. One friend shared that his wife was not welcoming to him in their bedroom. He wasn’t joking. He wasn’t being selfish. Or cocky. He was transparent and courageous, and was genuinely hurting.  Everything got really weird, and the subject was quickly changed. But, I have always regretted that Bobby and I didn’t step in privately to ask if we could help them. This is a common issue, and even though it makes me uncomfortable, I want to make up for what I didn’t do then. I’ll just pretend we’re talking over coffee, and I’ll try not to be awkward. Heh.

I’m interested to hear what both men and women have to add in the comments. My advice is from my own experience – Insider Intel perhaps – and from what I’ve learned from listening to so many over the years. I think you’d rather have a woman who is warm, friendly and responsive. So, I’m just going to give it to you straight. But I’m not a marriage counselor, and I don’t purport to know everything about this subject. I also realize that serious situations like forms of current or past abuse can play roles here, and I’ll leave those subjects to the experts.

But no matter the reason, how you handle it really matters. I’m going to offer some examples from my home, not because we’re perfect, but because we’re not. I’m truly empathetic and I’ve learned a few things.

Love is not a transaction

To be clear before we even start, this conversation is not a “do this and this will happen” one because I don’t believe great relationships are ever transactional. Transactional relationships are ones where both parties are in it for themselves, and where partners do things for each other with the expectation of reciprocation. Happy couples know that the true love relationship is not 50/50. It’s not equal. It’s not fair. I’ll provide a link at the end where I discuss this more.

Sex is emotional

If you want your partner to be responsive to your sexual needs, you need to be responsive to her emotional and psychological needs.  I’ve been told that men can compartmentalize sex from the rest of their life. For the most part, women can’t. We bring it all with us. We bring all of our worries. All of our To Dos. The disappointments and the hang-ups. It’s not that we expect you to solve all of our problems or that they have to be all solved in order to want sex. That would be ridiculous. We just want to feel like you understand, and that you care about them just because we do. Do you know what worries her and why? Do you stop to listen and give some tenderness? Why is she so tired? Do you know?

We need your attention

I know men who practically ignore their partner, giving all of their attention to their jobs, hobbies, sports and even television. Their wives are rebuffed when they ask for attention – perhaps a walk or some conversation. Then, they are expected to be warm, welcoming and friendly when approached for sex. It does not work that way! Women just cannot turn it on and off like that.

Bobby is a professional drag racer. He and I have done this together the whole way. When he won his first national event race, it was the culmination of a life-long dream. He popped out of the race car to a huge crowd of photographers all wanting his attention. It was his moment. What did he do with it? The crew and I had just made it to the finish line, and while all eyes were on him, his were searching for me. Everyone wanted his attention, and this is what he did. Right on ESPN. #sorrynotsorryespn

Whether on a race track in front of many or in our family room with just us, his attention is intoxicating.

We’re harder on ourselves than you’ll ever be

I have a friend whose husband insults her anatomy. Specifically, he taunts her about the weight she has gained, and how he finds it repulsive. Understand, he doesn’t just think these things; he actually says them and frequently. She feels demoralized, and naturally resents him for his lack of sensitivity. Ironically, he has gained more weight than she has since they got married.

This same man doesn’t understand why his wife does not respond to him sexually. Reeaaaaaly? I have observed that far too many men treat their partners this way, and kill their attraction to them. It IS important to be attractive for you, and I struggle with weight myself. But, my husband tells me I’m beautiful at least once every day, and I can tell he means it.  Would he prefer that I be healthier? Thinner? Of course. But demoralizing a woman won’t motivate her, and she certainly won’t respond to you. She won’t even want you to look at her. Helping a woman feel good about herself motivates her to be better.

All we’re askin’ for is a little respect

I was running around the kitchen this week trying to make our breakfast, make my husband’s lunch and get ready for work. This is an every day occurrence and I’m a typically great multi-tasker.  But I was not cutting it that morning. I made a joking, self-deprecating remark about the state of my mind.  Bobby pulled me into his arms, kissed me and looking right into my eyes, said this: “Listen, you have a really big brain, and sometimes it takes longer to ramp up powerful things.” Blink Blink. Blink. I know. I know. You’re thinking, darnnnn, he’s good. I think I even said that in the moment. But, he does think I’m smart. He thinks I’m wise. He asks my advice often, and his actions prove his respect. I do the same for him because he’s the smartest person I know.

Women want pleasure too

Some men think that women don’t view sex the way that they do; that is, guys want the pleasure and women want the intimacy. This is true. And false. Women do want sexual intimacy, but we also enjoy the physical aspect. We want you to seek diligently to please us.

Keep it at a low simmer

For women, sometimes a kiss is just that; a kiss. Not every act of passion or affection should end up in the bedroom. Women enjoy being touched and caressed for no other reason than to feel loved and secure.

Romance keeps things humming. My husband sends me sweet texts all the time. Sometimes it’s a compliment. Or it just has some sweet words in it. He also does this thing. He stops everything he’s doing, pulls me close…and just looks into my eyes. He doesn’t say anything…he just looks at me with this fervent – even reverent – look. Nothing else in this world makes me feel more loved than that look.

Bottom line is if you show us that you truly value us, we just can’t help ourselves but show you our love in all ways. God has something to say about this. It’s pretty deep. Read it slow, then read it again. 🙂

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” Philippians 2:3-7

If you’ve been in my sphere for a while, you know I sing and that music speaks to me like nothing else can. You, too? Yay! Listen to this one. Norah Jones will speak to you about this for sure…it’s called “Turn Me On.”

Now, for those links I promised. Here is the one I wrote to women about nagging.

Here’s the other one about how non-transactional relationships so, so pay off in the end for you. Bonus! There are some good racing stories in that one!