I Want a Jerry Springer Kind of Love?

Why oh why do we love bad boys? Why do we fixate on people who are not good for us? I say “Bad Boys,” but the same thing is true for toxic women.

Has this ever happened to you? Is it happening now?  

If you had to describe your relationship, what words would you use?

1. Companions, useful helpmates, friends, partners, confidantes? 
2. Passionate, involved, attached, warm, romantic?
3. Dangerous, fiery, destructive, addictive, unhealthy, out of control?

If your relationship falls under the last category then yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Immediately before I met my husband, I was involved with a toxic man. It was exciting! I was so infatuated and he was all I thought about. But it didn’t take long for the real person to emerge. What still confuses me about the situation is not his behavior. His character was very clear to me. What still confuses me is my behavior.  Why did I allow that relationship to continue for more than a year when after just a few weeks I knew it would not end well?

What was I thinking?

Why are we unable to let go of that person who treats us unfairly and brings up our worst insecurities?

In the last week, I’ve spoken to two people who are in this kind of relationship, so it started me thinking about why we do this. I don’t know if all of these reasons are true for you, but I’m betting at least some of them are.

They’re hot.

Usually, these kinds of people are narcissistic. Lovers of self take care of themselves. They know how to dress. They have good hair. They’re charmers and masters of the good first impression. They are also socially bold, and come across as confident. Ah, we like that.

These guys have a lot of experience getting the girl. Their relationships don’t last long, so they have the opportunity to build their skills. No, not their relationship skills. Their Impress Her Right Now skills. No problem. They’ll just move on to the next one when it doesn’t last.

They play hard to get.

Part of what makes bad boys more appealing is that they feel just a little out of reach. They’re tantalizing in their unavailability – not so out of reach as to be unattainable but far enough to require a little effort on our part. That hint of effort makes him that much more interesting. We value the things we have to work for over the things that come to us easily.

They’re not boring.

Bad boys may be Drama Kings,  but they’re not boring.  It’s thrilling to do something that’s kind of on the edge of what isn’t good for us. Safe feels boring.

They’re manipulative.

They know how to convince us that they need us, that only we can save them from their tortured souls. We like thinking that we’re special and it’s so romantic to be needed. Sometimes these kinds of people even say they can’t live without us and threaten harm to themselves if we leave.

On the other hand, the other guys concentrate more on being good men and less on presenting themselves as good men.  Until we come along, many of them don’t know how to dress and they might need a good haircut. They sometimes wait until it’s too late to make the move.  They might not be as confident or they wonder if you’ll still be friends if it doesn’t work out. Or maybe their feelings are too transparent and we’re turned off by their eagerness. It’s just not as exciting.

For some of us, meeting and being with this kind of person is part of growing up and learning about love. It teaches us who we DON’T EVER want again. However, often I see men and women who continue to fixate on people who aren’t good for them. The names and faces of their partners might change, but it’s the same person over and over.  We can become addicted to the highs and lows of dangerous romantic relationships. Hollywood doesn’t help and has done us a huge disservice. How many TV shows, movies, and books have shown us that the handsome man who is wild, unfaithful, and dishonest will settle down and become the best kind of husband?

Let’s be real. How often does that really happen? No woman can change a man, and besides, that’s not our job.

I remember the beginning of the end of That Relationship very clearly. Much had already happened that should have ended it, but it hadn’t. On this particular evening, we were in his car and he was angry about something. He was always angry about something. He started ranting and raving, then moved on to destroying things. He started with the headliner of his car and soon moved on to his stereo.

And the light came on. I clearly remember thinking that if I were to marry this man, he would be the father of my children. A sobering thought for sure. This was not easy for me. I still wanted him. I didn’t end it that night or even the next night or the next week. But I ended it. That was June. I met who would become The One in September. That was one of the best moves of my entire life. Thank you, Young Me.

You and I don’t deserve someone who walks around angry at the world. We don’t want someone who cheats on us. And we need better than someone who won’t commit, treats us poorly, and makes us feel insecure about ourselves.

I want a Sunday Kind Of Love, not a Jerry Springer Kind Of Love. How ’bout you?

When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.

When you need advice about “Jerry Springer,” who ya gonna go to? Please take my advice on how to find good advice.

Who Are You Listening To?