STOPPP

One of my favorite speakers, Jeff Henderson, asked this question recently: “Why did Jesus weep when Lazarus died when he knew he would raise him from the dead?” Now, you might not believe in Jesus or know who Lazarus is, but it’s a fascinating story! And, there is relationship advice here. Let me tell you. It’s so so good.

There are two guys named Lazarus in the Bible; this one is Lazarus of Bethany. He was brother to Mary and Martha, and the three siblings were very close friends of Jesus. Lazarus got really sick, and the sisters sent word to Jesus that he needed to get there pronto to heal him. Instead of immediately going, Jesus stayed where he was for two days. Yeah. Two days.

Lazarus died.

Jesus made his way to Bethany. By this time, Lazarus had been dead four days and was already in his burial tomb. Mary and Martha were grief-stricken and extremely frustrated. Jesus had not come! Jesus greets them, talks to them and cries with them.

Then, Jesus went to Lazarus’ tomb, and raised…him…from…the…dead!

That story gets me every time. Whaaat? Honestly, I’m human and so I understand Mary and Martha’s position. Lazarus is Jesus’ personal friend. He loves Lazarus. He loves them. Where the heck was he? What was so important that he couldn’t get there for this?!??!

But, the story explains that Jesus did this to show them and us who he is.  Jesus knows just who he is and just what he’s capable of. Um, Everything is the answer. He knows it doesn’t matter how long Lazarus has been dead. And furthermore, he has raised two other people from the dead already!  He knew what he was going to do when Lazarus got sick, while he waited, when he was on his way to Bethany and the whole time he spoke to Mary and Martha.

But let’s go back to Jeff’s question. Why did Jesus cry with Mary and Martha when he knew he was going to raise their brother from the dead?

Jeff says it is because the comfort is as important as the miracle.  Jesus doesn’t hesitate to stop, cry with, love on and comfort his friends before doing anything at all toward fixing the problem.

I am a great problem solver. I have the gift of being able to pull apart the pieces of a problem very quickly and figure out what needs to be done to fix it. Right now. I don’t really like to stop to talk about it too much. Or leave it up to someone else. I’m so good at this! Man, if I had been Jesus, I would have swooped in, gone right to the grave and before anyone hardly knew I was there – whoosh!!! – Lazarus would have been up and walking with me over to his sisters! Boom. Everyone’s happy. Onto the next problem.

Many of us are like this. Sorry Boys, I love you, but most of you are like this. At least that’s what your partners tell me. 

One of the most common grievances that women have concerning their relationship with their partner is that their man wants to fix everything for them.

He gives her solutions. She wants solace.

He gives her logic. She wants love.

I have gotten better at this over the years. My default will always be to jump in still though, so I have to be intentional about doing it right.

Guys, here is what your woman wants first. STOPPP. Just hold her, empathize, and listen to the whole story without interrupting. Then, if you think she’s ready to think about a solution, ask her what she thinks she should do. She’ll probably have one or two ideas up her sleeve. Aaaaand, she might even ask for your advice.

Here’s one I wrote about speaking in a way that your partner hears love.

I Don’t Speak Spanish