There’s a great old blues song called “Woman Be Wise” written in 1967 by iconic Blues singer Sippie Wallace. It depicts an older, wiser woman offering advice to younger ones about how to hold onto their men. Hey, I give relationship advice and I sing the blues! I really do love this song. It’s street-wise, it’s earthy and makes me and my husband laugh every time we hear it.
But, is it actually wise?
Well, (sorry Sippie) I don’t think so. Give a listen and see what you think.
This live performance is a rare treat with Sippie and other Blues greats Bonnie Raitt and Dr. John on Letterman. You can see the respect Raitt has for Sippie, who was an elder statesman at the time of the performance.
Great great song! But, blinking eyes. Blinking eyes. Blank stare. Blank stare. Come again?
Sippie is essentially saying that you can’t compliment your man too much to other women because it will lead to these other women stealing him. Really, Sippie? If you think your friends are trying to take your man and you’re worried that she might actually pull it off? It’s time for new friends and a new man.
So, I’m not naive, and I know that scenario happens. But honestly, the more common related issue is kind of the opposite to this. And it’s killing relationships dead every day.
It’s partner bashing. Sometimes it’s disguised as joking but, believe me, it’s still bashing.
You’ve all witnessed this. If you’re honest, many of you will admit that you do it. But, I’m always troubled when people think nothing of openly demeaning the very one they’re supposed to love the most. And many times right in front of them.
The song is Woman Be Wise, so let’s talk about why this isn’t.
First, this behavior reflects more poorly on the basher than it does on their mate. It speaks volumes about our poor self-control, don’t you think? Someone with good judgement should be able to decipher appropriate conversational topics from those that should remain unsaid. And, it makes others wonder what that person says about them when they’re absent.
Second, it displays an incredible lack of compassion and love. We all have our shortcomings. Not many of us score a hundred in Relationship 301. To delight in sharing those imperfections with others is a horrific breach of trust. And loyalty.
Last, if you’re doing it, you’re undermining yourself. When you began the relationship, didn’t you want a transparent, intimate relationship with your best friend who always has your back and loves you unconditionally? Venting your feelings might fill a need you have temporarily – make you feel part of a group or perhaps help you let off some steam – but oh, what you’re giving up! Is it worth that?
Building trust within a relationship takes time. It requires showing respect and unconditional loyalty over time. And that bond keeps gaining strength and sustainability with consistent feeding. But that bond can be broken. Believe me, as one who has this bond with my husband, it’s the thing I value most. It has sustained me in tough times and has given me joy everyday. We have an unwritten rule that we never say negative things about each other. But it goes deeper than that. We recognize the gift we have, and hold each other in such high esteem that these supposed faults aren’t even worth discussing, hardly even between us, let alone with others. This is important.
I wrote about the words that happy couples say to each other, and I’ll share that with you at the end.
Of course, some partners do have character flaws that seriously undermine the well-being of the relationship. In these cases, a confidential discussion with a trusted and experienced friend may be necessary. But it’s important to choose that friend wisely. Hand pick one who has both your and your partner’s well-being at heart and affirms the relationship. Of course in serious cases, marriage counseling may be needed to help couples salvage their relationship.
- Pay attention to your behavior and the behaviors within your circle of friends. Is this happening? Perhaps you have thought this was normal behavior and didn’t realize how unhealthy it is. If so, let this be the motivation to make the necessary changes ASAP.
- Enlist others. Discuss the pattern with people you trust and ask for accountability. Ask them to point out your derogatory comments as they occur. You may even decide to join forces and nix all partner bashing from future conversations. I have a friend who I respect for her wisdom. She decided to place money into a jar every time she heard herself complain. She invited us, her friends, to call her out when we heard her do it. It was effective! She noticeably reduced her complaining, and she said that she felt more grateful and happier. And she was a role model. I noticed that I became more mindful of my own complaining and got better at it. This would be a great exercise to try for partner bashing.
- Avoid fellow bashers. If you come across a bashing session already in progress, bypass it. Or, you can wait until it’s over before deciding to join the group.
- Redirect bashing conversations. Sometimes a great chat suddenly veers in that direction. Feel free to kindly reroute it toward a more positive topic. Be the leader that everyone needs.
- Focus on your partner’s strengths. Sure, they have weaknesses. But there’s plenty of good thrown into the mix.
- Talk to your partner about it or let it be. Give this some serious thought. If it’s important enough to talk to others about, then talk to them. But, is it? Do all of their good points together outweigh these little irritations? If so, don’t and just enjoy what ya got.
- Be your partner’s advocate. If you’re married, you promised to cherish them. You manifest that commitment in everything you do and say about them. Become their biggest groupie. Their champion. Let her know you adore her. Remind him daily that he’s the best.
- Brag a little. No, brag A LOT. Take all of those good things and tell others. Don’t just not say bad things – compliment them to others. They deserve it!
You might even start to get some of that respect, that love, that loyalty back. Your relationship will be the instant beneficiary, and you’ll be a role model for others to follow.
Here’s what I think the song should say. Women be wise. Be careful what you say and protect your life. A careless talker destroys himself.
The second and third sentences are from the Bible. OK, maybe not song material. If anybody can make that a lyric, I’ll sing it! Haha!
Here’s the link I promised about how to talk to one another: