I’m a singer, so song lyrics matter. I’ve been obsessed with John Mayer’s “In The Blood” lately. Yes, obsessed. I’ve listened to it during my 45-minute work commute – on repeat – several times in the last two weeks. “Several times” is as close as I’ll want to get to revealing my level of craziness about songs.
Now, don’t look at me so loud. You’ve done this. You know you have.
This song made me wonder why so many of us repeat our parents’ mistakes. And our grandparents. We let our past cause unnecessary relationship struggles. A friend of mine calls this the Generational Curse.
Would you kindly give it a listen? The music is fab, but it’s the lyrics I’d like for us to talk about. Go ahead; I’ll wait.
My mom’s childhood was appalling. My grandfather suffered from mental illness. While he was physically and verbally abusive to his wife and four daughters, it’s his words that my mom cannot forget, even seven decades later. He was a musician, the life of every party, and everyone loved him. But no one knew what he was like at home.
She remembers her dad screaming at her when she was seven, calling her a wh##e. She didn’t know what it meant, but she knew it was terrible. The word that sticks with her the most is “worthless.” He said that one a lot. Words are important. Words have power. They have impacted her self-esteem to this day. The woman cannot take a compliment.
But there is so much to compliment! Mom has a gift for love like other people have an eye for color. She is The Mom of All Moms. But people with low self-esteem have the most difficulty accepting compliments. They have trouble understanding how others can say kind things about them if they think they’re somehow flawed or not good enough. Even if that person is their own daughter.
Mom was the youngest; one by one, her sisters married and moved out. When my mom was eleven, things changed. Her father went to “the hospital” for an entire year. Money was tight at home. But it was peaceful. Safe. Then, she learned he was coming back. She waited…scared…and the day came. But he was different. Calmer. Gentler. She was hopeful but confused. She wasn’t really sure how she was supposed to act now. Could she trust him? Would this New World Order last? He didn’t apologize. No one talked about it nor spoke of Before. Years later, she learned that her dad had been in a mental health institution. He had received Electroconvulsive Therapy, known back then as “Shock Treatment.” It involves passing a current through a person’s brain to alleviate depressive and other psychiatric symptoms.
Just weeks after he came home, my grandmother and aunt left for the grocery store, leaving Mom and her father home alone. Mom was sitting on the couch reading. He said he didn’t feel well and asked if he could lie on the couch with his head in her lap. Mom heard her mom coming up the walk, and she quietly slipped out from underneath her father’s head to shush her. Old habits die hard, and she was afraid things would not go well if Father were awakened.
When my grandmother came into the house and saw her husband, she ushered my mom out of the room. Mom stood there as things got a bit frantic. There were tears and talk of calling the coroner and family members. My mom was just a kid, and she hadn’t realized that her father had died in her lap while she read her book.
How does a family come back from that? How did this young girl later become The Mom of All Moms? My mom and I are best friends, so I knew this story. But I had never asked her how she turned it around – how she avoided the Generational Curse. When I asked Mom’s permission to write her story, I asked her how she did it. Of course, she began to list all her mistakes and why she wasn’t so good. I’m used to this, so I just waited for it to be over and asked again. Lord help me… 🙄
What she said revealed her battered self-confidence and the early beginnings of her victory. I had never heard this part of the story and didn’t see it coming.
My older brother Fred was born with Cleft Lip and Palate, a birth defect that occurs when a baby’s lips and mouth do not form properly during pregnancy. He underwent eighteen operations through age sixteen. Mom said that when she gave birth to Freddie, she thought, “Wow, God must trust me to take care of him. I felt so worthy! And everything changed.” And what a fine job Mom and Dad did. 
Freddie ended up being so fabulous! Everyone respected his zany sense of humor, confidence, and easy way. He was a well-adjusted child, a confident teenager, and later a kind, humble and self-possessed leader. And he was a loving husband and the Dad of All Dads to two very “together” girls.
I also talked to a cousin who overcame a generational curse and whom I love and respect. When I talk to her about her story, I get sad to the point of tears. But most of all, I get Scary Angry. Kind of like The Hulk. But she’s kind and good. And her children and their children? The same. They are happy, well adjusted, and I would be so proud to call any of them my own. So…I picked her brain too about how she overcame this tremendous mountain emotionally and spiritually.
Here’s what I’ve learned through all of this talk and observation of these good, good women’s lives:
- Both demonstrate empathy toward those who hurt them. I’ve never heard Mom say that her Dad was “bad”. It would be easy, I think, for them to see this situation in black or white. Mom acknowledges her father’s mental illness and demonstrates empathy toward him. He was also a victim of his violent upbringing and mental illness. I think their ability to process the nuances of their situations helped them understand that they were not destined to repeat it.
- They actively seek kindness. They have a clear picture of what they don’t want to be, resulting in kind and loving hearts. Mom’s a natural caregiver, and her love is a verb. My brother died tragically in a plane crash several years ago, and my cousin and her husband dropped everything and were oh-so-good to us. She often visits with Mom and Dad and takes them dinner.
- They consider their relationships with their family to be a priority. Nothing gets in the way of that. Nothing. They know what it was like to live in an unsafe home. An unloving home. They know what a kid needs from them and ensure it’s given in spades. I’m 56 years old, and I count on my mom’s love and care daily.
- Those words…they’re essential. Mom never belittled us. She was strict, but when angry or disciplining, she talked about the behavior but never us as being wrong or stupid. There are many similarities between my Mom and my cousin. This is one.
- They had a defining moment and acted wisely. My cousin’s turning point came when she witnessed her children being treated the same way by the family member who had abused her. She and her husband consciously began to distance her family from this person to protect her children. She said, ” I was not going to allow my past to control my future.” That is so wise, right? Here’s my take. You can love and even forgive your family. That would be good for them – but even better for you. I understand that’s infinitely harder to do than it is for me to write. Be kind to yourself, Friend, do your best, and give yourself grace on the rest. But no matter your situation, your relationship with your parents doesn’t have to be how it’s always been. And although you can’t change your parents or magically transform your relationship, you can begin to break your family’s dysfunctional patterns. You get to decide how and when to relate to your parents. You get to decide what’s right for you.
- Seek counseling. I wish counseling had been available to mom. I don’t think there was money for it; back then, the stigma was significant. I think it would have helped her. My cousin said it was the best decision she made. She wasn’t keen on the idea, but she gritted her teeth and chose courage. She told me, “it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and within an hour I was telling her things I had never told anyone. Counseling helped me understand my true identity – for me, it is that my identity is in Christ. I am not who other people tell me I am.”
Do you notice what was missing in these stories? No apologies. And in one, no change at all. If you want to stop the curse, learn from this. You will hurt others. It’s inevitable. But actual change and health come from true repentance. Own up to it, and actively take steps to improve daily. I’m not naive to the fact that some people’s childhoods were so scarring; they just haven’t been able to find a way to overcome it. This is especially true when you are battling the same demons – perhaps depression – the same as your forefathers. I’m not saying it’s easy or I know exactly how to do it. I have hope from the example of my mom and others that it’s possible. And what do you have to lose by trying? And what you gain is not only for yourself but for your kids. And their kids. You can be the one who stops all of this hurt that you feel in its tracks.
John Mayer’s song talks about what love shouldn’t look like. But, what should love look like? How can we spot it in someone else and, even more importantly, cultivate it in ourselves? These are the best words I’ve ever seen about what love should look like. This comes from First Corinthians, Chapter 13 in the Bible. It’s known as The Love Chapter.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”