Flying Underwear: Is Your Issue Worth Fighting About?

In 36 years of marriage, I can count on one hand the number of fights my husband and I have had. Yet, two of those were sparked by my attempts to organize him.

Early in our marriage, the clutter of papers scattered around our small living spaces began to irk me. I’m not Mrs. Fastidious, but the mess bugged me. Bobby, my husband, didn’t have an office back then and often worked from a corner of our living room. We clashed over the value of form versus function—he saw empty flat surfaces as storage spaces, while I envisioned them adorned with pretty things.

To give you a bit more context, I’m detail-oriented, efficient, proactive, and adept at problem-solving—skills that have served me well in my career, now as Quality Director. Bobby is a race car driver. Very skilled. He is creative, a dreamer, and dynamic, excelling in Sales and Marketing. He has a high IQ and embodies the absentminded professor stereotype.

So, you can imagine where this story is headed.

The First Battle: Paper Wars

Faced with stacks of papers littering our tables, I decided to take action. I bought a filing cabinet and spent an entire Saturday organizing every piece of paper related to Bobby Martin Racing. I was thrilled, convinced that Bobby would come home, smile, and appreciate my efforts. I didn’t tell him about my plan—it was meant to be a surprise.

When Bobby returned, he wasn’t smiling. He stared at the filing cabinet, eerily quiet. As he struggled to find things over a period of days, his frustration grew, leading to an explosive argument. I was offended, unable to understand why he preferred disorganized piles over my methodical filing system. After days of silence, we apologized to each other, but the issue remained unresolved.

The Second Battle: The Plastic Container Showdown

Now the really stupid part. I did it again just months later. I know. I am literally shaking my own head.

Bobby did his own laundry, including sheets and towels, while I handled mine. You would think that I would appreciate him taking the majority of the workload since I detest doing laundry. But no. I thought his drawers were disorganized and decided to use plastic organizers for his socks, t-shirts, and underwear. I believed he would appreciate them. I. Was. Wrong.

This time, the fight was monumental culminating in Bobby ceremoniously and theatrically dumping the contents of every drawer onto the bed and floor, yelling, “Organize this!”

My father never raised his voice in our home, and I was equally attracted and repelled by his passion over plastic containers. Socks, underwear and shirts were flying all over the bedroom! I stood there with mouth hanging open, dumbfounded until the absurdity of the situation struck me as funny. I started laughing, and soon Bobby joined in. The fight ended in laughter, the kind that makes your belly hurt and tears roll down your face.

All I’m askin’ for is a little R-e-s-p-e-c-t

A few days later, we had a heart-to-heart conversation. We didn’t just apologize; we sought to understand each other. I realized that Bobby’s need to see his piles was crucial for his creativity and memory. What seemed like chaos to me was his organized system. My attempts to impose my methods were disrespectful, assuming my way was superior.

Respect is vital in any relationship. Since then, I’ve learned that respect is especially important to men. Understanding and respecting Bobby’s unique way of organizing was a hard lesson for me, but it strengthened our bond.

I share this story to be transparent. We’re not perfect, and if I’m going to coach relationships, I must be honest. Respect was a challenging concept for me to grasp, and I hope my experience helps others understand its importance.

The fact is that women in general don’t understand how men feel about this is because we differ on the matter. The first time I really got this concept was when I read a book called “For Women Only,” by Shaunti Feldhahn. Boy, did it open my eyes. Shaunti did a serious survey with men, then explained it to women so we’d understand. Thank you, Shaunti. About the survey:

• The survey was designed with the guidance of Chuck Cowan, the former chief of survey design at the U.S. Census Bureau.
• It included a random, representative national sample of 400 men who were heterosexual, lived in the U.S., and were between the ages of 21 and 75.
• The survey was conducted by Decision Analyst, ensuring a robust and reliable data collection process.
• It included various questions about men’s thoughts and feelings on topics such as respect, love, and their emotional experience.

In the book, she explains that many men feel that respect is more emotionally powerful than love. This is because respect validates their efforts and achievements, making them feel valued and appreciated. For example, hearing phrases like “You did a great job at that meeting” or “You are such a great dad” can be more impactful for men than simply hearing “I love you.”

Men often feel disrespected when their methods or decisions are constantly questioned. She explains that this can make men feel undermined and unappreciated, which can be more hurtful than women might realize. Feldhahn emphasizes that showing trust in a man’s abilities and decisions is a significant way to convey respect and support.

So, I was blowing it big time.

The Rest of The Story

We later moved to a house where Bobby gained an office. With a door that closed. That really helped. But the biggest improvement has been the continuous changing of my heart.

I have many affectionate nicknames for my husband; one of them is “Analog Man” due to his dislike of many things digital. Several years ago, our files were attacked by a ransom ware virus. If you’re not familiar with these, really bad guys send you an innocent looking email and when you open it, it releases a virus that makes every document you have unreadable. Then, they ask you for lots of money to make them readable. We refused to pay, and every invoice, every speech, every tax document – every document – was lost. This was a month before Thanksgiving, and my 300-line project plan for a dinner I organized for the community every year was obliterated. I was having a meltdown in the Family Room when Bobby quietly left the room. He came back from his office seconds later and handed me a hard copy of my project plan. I didn’t even remember that this existed. I was so relieved! I laughed, and literally got on my knees, put my head on the floor and laughingly said “I bow to the Analog Man!  I will never say another word to you about your piles of papers!”

And to this day, I have not.

Here’s what God has to say about respect.

“Give everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” Romans 13:7

“Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.” 1 Peter 2:17

The Rest of The Rest of The Story

Here’s another, more recent chapter in the Saga of the Flying Underwear. It shows Bobby’s change of heart and the action he took to give me a more orderly home. And as usual, he did it in such a fun way!

It’s called Uncommon Romance.

If you struggle with showing respect or don’t know if you do (that was me), why not read this one, too?

We’ve come a long way, Baby. With a little respect, so can you, Friend.