In the Middle

I was listening to a great song this morning called “Here Again.” The first few lines say, “Can’t go back to the beginning. Can’t control what tomorrow will bring. But I know here in the middle. Is the place where You promise to be.”

The song is about how God is always there for us. I believe that we are to emulate God, as best we can, in every way that we can. I started to think about how this applies to our romantic relationships.

The beginning of our relationship is often referred to as The Honeymoon Phase when everything is easy. An endless stream of dates and late-night talks — who can complain? Everything is new, and no time together is too much. They are perfect in every way. Shortcomings? No way.  Even the annoying things they do are cute.

The middle is the widest part, where most of us sit. It’s here that you’ll notice that your partner is not perfect in every way. Their annoying habits begin to well…annoy you.

Maybe she talks too much, or he doesn’t pitch in to clean the kitchen. Then you start to have a few fights. Even worse, you’re not talking as much or even making plans anymore. All of a sudden, the love you felt feels different. It’s changed somehow, but you’re not sure what it is.

My husband is a professional drag racer. When I met him 38 years ago, I didn’t even know he was in love with cars or racing. But, I was struck by how different he was from anyone I had ever known. He was seven years older, intelligent, and sophisticated – and I was fascinated.

When we started racing, we were two years married and beginning our ventures into The Middle Land Of Messy. I learned that he doesn’t think like most other people. Act like most other people. He’s Godly, kind, and good. Polished and professional. Bold but…not always polite. He thinks yelling is communicating! He’s an introvert, a dreamer, and always plotting his next hill to climb. He honestly doesn’t think the word no applies to him.  He’s competent and so competitive.

So much goooooood. However, I’m the opposite in many ways, so many of his character traits made me uncomfortable at times.

But when we were submerged into the racing culture, I realized that there are more of him out there. Regardless of gender, race, age, and the kind of racing they do, racers are remarkably alike. They walk the same. They talk the same.  They think the same. It’s why they do what they do. Inside Tip! If you need to communicate with racers, just replace random nouns with the word “deal”. I learned this when we bought our first funny car from the very cool Dustman Brothers, and Jim Dustman told us that their deal (funny car) was the most consistent deal (funny car) within the deal (racing circuit).  

Bobby had found his Tribe. And his wife learned something essential. I began to appreciate that he is exactly who God made him to be – the parts that I’m comfortable with – and the parts that I’m not.

Some people think the honeymoon phase feeling is love, and when it’s over, the love is lost. No. Famous marriage counselor Diane Sollee said, “To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car because it’s run out of gas.”

This part of the relationship requires cooperation from both parties. It takes you accepting your partner as they are, not the idealized version you perceived.

“To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car because it’s run out of gas.”

Bobby and I have seen the movie Ford vs. Ferrari four times! It’s the story of how American car designer Carroll Shelby and British race car driver Ken Miles battle Ford corporate interference and a ridiculous timeline to build a revolutionary vehicle to compete against the race cars of Enzo Ferrari at the 24 Hours of Le Mans in France in 1966. As a result, the non-conformist duo comes up with the mighty Ford GT40 Mk I high-performance race car.

It’s a great movie that anyone can enjoy. But for a racer – it’s pure magic. The icons!  The racing! The drama! The romance! And Ken Miles’ wife, Molly? She was not a spectator. She was a racer on equal footing with all of them – quite unusual in the 60s. I want to be her when I grow up. (Bobby says I already am.)

Ken Miles was a loving and tender husband and father, and very charismatic. His family unit of three was very close, and he was a role model. On the other hand, he was known for being difficult.  He fought with customers, sanctioning bodies, sponsors, and corporate decision-makers. Ken was an extraordinary race car driver and tuner, and his contributions to the Ford GT40 Mk I were significant. But, because he conflicted with others, he missed out on things he shouldn’t have. I’m leaving the oh-so-dramatic details out purposely because you really should watch this movie!

But Molly was tough.  She fought for what she needed from him, and she fought for him. And the rest – she wisely let it ride. I think she knew that there is no perfect man and no perfect woman.  And sometimes the strongest parts of our personalities are the MOST attractive parts of us and the LEAST attractive parts of us all simultaneously. Yes, we all need to rub off the edges of ourselves that consistently hurt others. However, it also behooves us to show grace and work to accept each other for who we are. We shouldn’t try to mold others into someone God never intended them to be.

Let me stop a minute, though. If you have experienced or are experiencing a failed relationship, this is not Bash You Day. I don’t know – no one knows – all that you have gone through. Also, I understand that there are circumstances in which the decision to end a relationship is not always yours. Or the decision to leave HAS TO BE made. If any of this is true for you, I’m genuinely sorry about this, I commend your courage, and this is not written about you.

OK, so if I haven’t already spoiled the movie for you, let’s see if I can. 😀 No really, stop reading now if you don’t want to hear any deets. I’m going to share my favorite scene from it!

Still here? OK.

Carroll Shelby had to talk Ken Miles into this project. He didn’t like or trust corporations or corporate people. But when he came on board, he came all in. He test-drove it, then tuned it and repeated that formula repeatedly until it was a force to be reckoned with. He knew the car it in and out like nobody else, and the team was poised, with him as the driver, to take it to the 24 Hours of Le Mans in France and make history.

…until he’s told that another driver is taking his seat.

He’s profoundly hurt. And embarrassed. Race day comes. Ken’s working in the shop, secretly licking his wounds. He waits until the last person leaves, then hurriedly turns on the radio and listens to the race taking place in France as he works all night under a car, muttering instructions to the drivers who can’t hear him.

Then this happens…

Wow. Just wow. Molly very well knew Ken wasn’t perfect, but she supported him through the messy middle. Does this make her submissive? Do a little reading about her, and you’ll know that is far from the truth. Weak? Nope. It makes her realistic. Grace-filled. And strong. So strong.

Here’s what I can say for myself now after many years together. After getting through much of the messy middle, it still feels like The Honeymoon Phase. Lots of dates and late-night talks — I can’t get enough of him. He’s perfect in every way – for me. And things that might be annoying to others are not just sort of cute and endearing to me – I embrace and love them because they are who he is. This is not some sort of fairy tale movie scene that Hollywood dreamed up. It can be your life. Every day. If you can adjust those oh-so-unrealistic expectations and grab on to the unique, flawed, wonderfully-made, messy human you’ve got in front of you.

We’ve also realized that now is the time to start dreaming about what the next phase of our life should look like. Read this to see our journey: Reimagining Life With a Favorite Things List

If you haven’t guessed, I love him madly. And more then forty years later, he’s still oh-so-fascinating.

Now, if you’ve been following along, you know I also adore The Blues. So, here’s a little Jonny Lang with “Quitters Never Win.” Goodbye for now. I love you and pray for you every day.