Rocky Road

June 2nd, 2021 is Rocky Road Day. Who knew? And who comes up with these things? But am I going to complain about a day dedicated to the eating of Rocky Road desserts? That would be a no. All the no’s! 

The Rocky Road dessert was first created in Australia in 1853 and referenced the rocky road travelers used to access the goldfields. The dessert was made of chocolate, nuts, and marshmallows and looked like a bumpy road filled with rocks and potholes. Later came the ice cream. Yum. What a great way to turn a rocky road around, right?

Sometimes we encounter a rocky road in our love relationship. It’s not unusual. Every relationship will eventually be tested. So what do we do when those tumultuous times hit? I sure don’t know everything, but I’ve learned some things about rocky roads in my thirty-eight years with my husband, Bobby. Trust me, if we do this right (as much as is humanly possible that is), our relationships can be even better on the other side. Soon, you’ll see that the road has been paved smooth. Here are my tried and true tips:

Respond

Reactivity is not your friend. Reacting means you’re making decisions based on your mood or the situation. And we often say things we don’t mean and make things much worse, right? Instead, think first then respond in a way that demonstrates respect for yourself and your partner. 

Stay

Remember, when someone is hurting, they need to know you love them even if you’re ticked. Defensive behavior doesn’t solve anything and makes the rocky road rockier. Your partner won’t listen to your reasoning until they know that you care. Fight the urge to retreat. You can’t influence the situation if you leave. It’s OK to ask for a time out if your emotions are getting the best of you, but make sure that you convey your love first. Then, please don’t put it off too soon or use the time out as a way to give your partner the cold shoulder.

Listen

Stop and listen. Ask clarifying questions in a neutral tone, then listen without interrupting. You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says to understand what they’re feeling and conveying to you. Sometimes, when Bobby’s making his points, I’m focusing on my counterpoints. Don’t. Do. This. I’m rolling my eyes at myself. 

I’ve found a better way; perhaps it will work for you. I take a quick note of Bobby’s key points. This technique helps me to wait, focus and understand him, and gives me a point of reference if I want to clarify something. It frees him to talk until he’s done without interruption, and let’s him know that I’m getting it. Bobby knows this as my way now and trusts that it works for us. If you decide to try it, just mention why you’re doing it so it’s not distracting or intimidating.

Share

Share your opinion, pain, and view of the situation. But, don’t attack – even if they did. Try to use neutral, or even better, loving language. And you don’t have to counterpoint every one of their points to make yours (talking to myself here). Instead, please talk about the situation and how it impacts you and the relationship.

“It’s Always Your Turn”

The first time I heard this statement, it came from my husband’s mouth. He lives it. Sometimes I’ve come with guns blazing, and he responds with humble words, a gentle voice, and a submissive attitude. And he’s so quick to apologize – even when I’m more at fault. He’s a very manly man, and submission doesn’t come easy. But he models it, and we’ve both learned submission in marriage is critical. One of my favorite speakers, Andy Stanley, states it like this: “Christian marriage is a submission competition. A race to the back of the line.” Andy took this from Ephesians 5:1, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” It just speaks to the fact that we should be mutually respectful.

If you follow these principles, you’ll turn around one day like us and find that the road has been paved smooth. Back to green light racing!!

Whoo-hoo! Let’s celebrate your coming success with my Rocky Road Cookie Bars! Or use them as a make-up offering. Ha!

A song worth listening to: “Part Of Me”

This song is from the Tedeschi Trucks Band, a Grammy-award-winning blues & rock band led by married couple Susan Tedeschi and Derek Trucks. For their first years together, they played in separate bands, then merged in 2010 to spend more time together and parent better. They’ve had some rocky roads. Susan wrote this song, and said about the merger, “I mean, we both were a little nervous. But if anything, we actually like each other better being around each other. We realized that because we’ve been on the road so much [of] our lives, it was nice to not be on the phone so much and actually just be [together] in person.”