Early in our relationship, I often gave my husband The Silent Treatment when angry or hurt. My passive-aggressive versus Bobby’s assertive communication style confused, angered, and wounded him. And he was having none of it! He would sit right in front of me and not leave until we talked the issue out. I wasn’t used to that kind of forward-facing communication, it made me uncomfortable, and in those early moments, I thought he was a bully.
I shake my head now, remembering those interactions. Me, arms crossed and pouting while doing Cirque du Soleil-like contortions to avoid looking at him. Him putting his face directly into mine and repeatedly asking me to talk. Gees. How did I expect to accomplish anything? Eventually, I matured and stopped the nonsense, and we began the process of bettering our relationship through healthy communication. I attribute much of our healthy and peaceful relationship to my evolution in communication style.
We call it the Silent Treatment, but it isn’t silent. It speaks rejection, contempt, and dishonor to the one who is trying to communicate with us. And, it reveals things about our character like immaturity and an unhealthy need for control.
So, how do we stoppp? Well, I’ll explain how I got there. To me, it’s not reading some top ten list. It’s recognizing yourself in this scenario, understanding that it’s hurting you, and deciding to stop doing it. The ball’s in your court.
I started with the person in the mirror.
Here’s how it looks. Recognize it? I sure do.
- Refusal to engage in general conversation
- Not responding to questions or minimally responding
- Intentionally withholding emotions and affection
- Intentionally withholding physical contact
- Refusing to make eye contact
- Barely acknowledging another’s presence in a room
- Displaying a general disinterest in the other person’s life
When we give the silent treatment to our partners, we are engaging in passive-aggressive (dare I say abusive?) behavior designed to “punish” them for something.
Does that sound childlike? Well, that’s because it is.
I needed to grow up.
I was hurting myself and my love. Genuine relationships call for real conversation.
The Silent Treatment isn’t for adults. Kids sulk and pout. But at least they’re over it in a few minutes, and they forget why they’re so mad. When we fight like this, it usually lasts for days. Think about dealing with a sulking kid for several days. Don’t be that person.
Grow up and talk through your problems. It might be able to be cleared up in moments. Or talking about it could resolve a situation that otherwise will linger for a long time, coming up repeatedly.
Not communicating can be the biggest mistake you make in your marriage.
The silent treatment was destroying our intimacy.
Marriage involves a lot of decisions. Learning how to deal with the many small choices helps prepare you for the bigger ones coming down the pike.
Now, after many years of excellent communication, I look forward to talking to him about all things. I laugh sometimes and say that together we make up one brain. It’s a good brain, but only one. Haha! Seriously, he’s my sounding board, the one I vent to, and the person from whom I get the best advice. He has my best interests at heart, and I trust him above all others.
The silent treatment would have prevented what we have now. And, our lives would be on separate courses instead of tied together tightly as best friends and confidants.
I was too prideful.
Don’t give up even one day of valuable conversation for your pride. Look at the words of Jesus below, and note the other behaviors he groups in with pride. Yikes!
And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” Mark 7:20–23
It hurts more people than just your partner.
Do you have children? Picture them trying to get through life, and their role models aren’t speaking to one another. It’s so uncomfortable and scary, and perhaps they wonder if there will be a divorce. They are forced to be the go-between for the “adults.” Noone ever resolves the issues, and nothing ever goes away.
Now imagine their life as adults. Do you want them to struggle this way? Teach them how to do this well, and their lives will be the better for your example.
You can get better.
It was hard for me to transition from a passive-aggressive to an assertive communication style. One of the things I learned is that silence is not always wrong. In the beginning, I often asked for a time out so I could process my thoughts. This really worked for me, as long as I committed to and follow through on talking about an issue the next day.
Today, I’m not perfect. Sadly, my conditioning still makes the silent treatment my go-to. But healthy communication has resolved many of our issues, and the hard part is behind us. No, it didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t even occur in a year! But it happened, and I’m so grateful.
I wish you enlightenment and courage in this area of your life. Trust me; you’ll be so happy to have handled this one. The first step is recognizing the issue. Ready to go a little farther? Try these!