What to Know Before Choosing a Spouse

 The below is a letter I wrote to my eight nieces and nephews about what to know before choosing a spouse.

I still pray for each one of them every day. I think I always will. Wanna eavesdrop on my conversation? I’ll also be praying that you or someone you love will be blessed by this letter, and you’ll learn about choosing a spouse.

I’ll also share at the bottom something I wrote about where to look to find the right partner. I hope it helps you, too.

Important decisions are on the horizon

I have been thinking a lot about each of you, how much I love you, and care about you being successful in life. One thing you may not know is that I have been praying for each one of you by name every day for many years. Lately, my prayers have focused on the critical choices you are facing right now.

Some of the most important decisions you will make in your life – ones that will last into your old age – are made now. I can’t seem to get out of my mind that I need to give you some advice. I have resisted it for a few months because you all have good parents and close relationships with them, and I don’t feel very experienced at this kind of thing since I have no children. But this thought won’t leave me alone. Maybe it’s God’s prompting, or perhaps I’m just a nosy person. Ha! Anyway, one thing I do know is how to choose a wonderful spouse. Uncle Bobby is the absolute best. So, I am focusing on this.

There is more than an even chance that you will meet the person who will share your life in the next few years. The divorce statistics are horrendous, and I’m concerned. It can be an unbelievable privilege to share your life with someone, but a wrong choice can quickly turn into a nightmare.

Seek Advice

Part of being wise is knowing when to seek advice and from whom to pursue it. I hope this letter serves as good advice. But please do not let it be the only or even the primary place you seek it. You are being faced with crucial decisions right now. The parents who sacrificially love you and want only good for you are your critical go-to people. It always amazes me that young adults who looked to their parents for everything as they grew up suddenly show up at that same door with someone their parents barely know. And many times, with someone they suspect their parents won’t even like. Here’s my first piece of advice. If you develop a friendship that isolates you from your friends and family, you are probably on the wrong track.

At the end of this letter, I am going to provide some lists to help you. But, people are not perfect, and they are not all that they will become in time. You will have to work on your relationship forever. You will not likely find someone who meets all of your criteria. So, here’s where you can show your wisdom by seeking advice, probably from your parents. After they have time to observe them, they can probably help you decipher if the person, while not having all of these qualities now, is someone who will likely grow into them.

Root your decisions in the Bible

In every relationship, your relationship with God must come first. It is in our direct relationship with God that everything else falls into place. Uncle Bobby says that everything you want to know about anything important is in the Bible. It’s all there. Even small decisions you have to make should be rooted in what the Bible teaches. So, study it. Know it. And you’ll make much better decisions in every area of your life.

Time is your friend

Second, don’t be in a hurry to fall in love and get serious about someone. People laugh at me and Uncle Bobby because it took us four years to get engaged and three more to marry. I’m not saying this is necessary or even the norm, but we both contend that we needed that time to figure it out. You might need more time, too. In this kind of decision, time is your friend. Deciding to marry your uncle was a huge decision. My heart still races when he walks into a room, but I decided to marry him very practically. Please remember that this person is on their best behavior in the beginning. You have to see them over time and in a variety of situations. For instance, how do they act when they’re:

• late for an appointment and in traffic
• visiting someone in the hospital
• speaking to their mother
• treated unfairly
• playing with kids
• with their friends
• participating in sports

And don’t be fooled by thinking that after you’re committed, it will get sorted.

That. Never. Happens. Period.

Observe Family

Also, observe this person’s family. Are they people with which you would want to spend holidays and free time? What is the relationship between the parents? Do people in the family get along? Good partners can come from troubled families, but people are more likely to have a relationship with complicated baggage if they are not rooted in a good family.

Invest in more than the physical

Last, please don’t be obsessed with externals like facial features, weight, hairstyle, and muscles. You are marrying a person, not a body. Yes, there has to be physical attraction, but make sure that their lure is not motivated primarily by the material. Do you like carrying on a conversation with them? How do you or would you feel if you introduced this person to your father or mother’s friends? Do they have any interest in spiritual things? These are the kinds of things that are enduring. Don’t invest in the physical package as no matter what this person looks like now, age will take its toll, and you will be left with what remains.

When choosing the man with whom you will share your life:

1. The man should be committed to growing in his relationship with Jesus. If you are committed, he needs to be as well so that you are pulling in the same direction and agreeing about core life things. Remember that this young man, if you marry him, will likely be the father of your children. He needs to commit to the essential things.
2. He must be an individual of evident integrity. Have you ever seen or heard of him cheating at sports, at school, or work? Everyone fails sometimes. But if he has, does he in any way argue or defend his actions? Not taking ownership of one’s actions is a blinking, neon sign. If a person lies to a teacher, he will lie to his wife. You need and deserve a man who is honest to the core.
3. Is he able to lead boldly? I’m not talking about being a quarterback or a class president. But can he think for himself, weigh options and make good decisions? On the other hand, don’t settle for someone selfish or domineering. His actions should demonstrate a balance of leadership and servanthood. And, you should be a little more than concerned if he has to check with his mother about everything. He should, like you, seek wise counsel about essential things, but it shouldn’t go overboard.
4. He should be able to love sacrificially. You can detect this in subtle ways. Is he quick to organize the cleanup, or does he wait for others to do it? Does he listen and talk to an elderly aunt? Has he ever been faithful to visit her in the nursing home? Observe the way he relates to kids and strangers. Does he possess the willingness to hold doors for those with full arms? Watch his attitude toward waitresses and others who serve the public. In these ways, you’ll find out who he is.
5. He should be able to laugh, especially at himself. He doesn’t have to be a joke teller, but does he like to laugh? Can he tell a story about himself where someone else is the hero? Does he laugh unkindly at the misfortune of others?
6. He should model genuine humility. Does he brag a lot? Or is he easily offended? Is he someone who cannot share in the joy of someone else’s success? Does he have to be the star in every story? Is he miserable unless he wins everything all of the time? You might want to take a long hard look at spending the rest of your life with this person
7. Look for the kind of man who is patient with those needing help. You are looking at a lifetime of locking your keys in your car! Do you want the man who will laugh with you or the man you’ll be afraid to call when this and other mishaps occur?

 When choosing the woman with whom you will share your life:

1. The woman should be committed to growing in her relationship with Jesus. If you are committed, she needs to be as well so that you are pulling in the same direction and agreeing about core life things. Remember that this young woman, if you marry her, will likely be the mother of your children. She needs to commit to the essential things.
2. She must possess beauty deeper than her skin. Base your decisions on the inside; the outside is a bonus.
3. She needs to be an initiative taker. Does she have ideas and abilities you admire? As her partner in life, you will be dependent on her knowledge, insight, courage, faith, integrity, giftedness, and expertise.
4. She should be interested in building your confidence. Does she dress to attract other people? is she kind to others? Does her language tear you down or build you up? Does she value your opinion? Have you ever heard her say disrespectful things about you to others? Be careful not to hook arms with someone bossy or self-opinionated and think only her opinion is worthy. A strong woman is a gift, but she should be respectful to others. Be careful of this common pitfall.
5. She should have a sense of humor. Humor gets a couple through the rough spots.

How do you rate concerning these things? To draw an excellent mate, you have to be an ideal candidate yourself. Now is the time to work on yourself to be the person whom this rare and wonderful individual will want to share their life.

Thank you for indulging me by reading this letter. Even if you disagree with my thoughts, I write it out of love for you and a genuine concern that you will make good choices in the things that will follow you forever.

Love,

Aunt Lori

Here’s what I promised to share about where to look!

Know Where to Look to Find the Right Partner

A post worth reading: Sarah Regan | How To Be Happy Single