Chasing the Dodgers: Handling Conflict When You’re Different

Conflict. Ugh. Just the sound of that word makes us cringe, right? But know this. If you can learn how to manage it well, conflict will help your relationship. Yes, make it better because both unaddressed issues and bloody battles are death to your relationship. One might just take longer to make it die than the other.

So, let’s figure this out. First, there are really two kinds of people when it comes to conflict: Chasers and Dodgers. Both have good points when it comes to conflict, but both have the capacity to really screw it up, too. It’s important to identify who you both are so the road can be navigated successfully. My Bobby is a Chaser; I’m a Dodger.

Chasers value directness and honesty over everything else.

Chasers value directness and honesty over everything else. They address issues and strive to get them resolved. They don’t mind if they get on someone’s nerves.  They can also “chase” conflict a bit too much. Or escalate it when it occurs. And sometimes they are not kind nor tactful.

Dodgers value harmony. They care about relationships, and they know how to be tactful. But, their default is to shrink back or avoid conflict of any kind, and they will often let things slide that they shouldn’t. They often (OK, me. Not “they.”) often resort to the Silent Treatment, too. That doesn’t solve anything. I’ll share the link at the end to where I wrote about this, and I think it will help you if you do this.

Dodgers value harmony.

Sometimes we will switch away from our default conflict style. This is usually strategic, and can be a good thing if done for the right reason. For instance, if one is dealing with a Dodger, one might be forced to be more of a Chaser than usual if motivated to fix something. Or someone might be a Chaser, but when dealing with their mother and their priority is to honor her, they may back off more than usual with her.

So, what are you? And your partner? You need to know because this determines how you should handle conflict with that person.

Two Chasers attack. It’s gonna get loud and they probably won’t mind. But if it gets loud when a Chaser and Dodger meet, someone’s going to leave crying.  You get one guess concerning who that will be.  On the other hand, a discussion between two Dodgers will be very polite – if there is even a discussion at all.

If you are a Chaser, consider this.  A good thing about being who you are is that you show loyalty to your relationship by going after issues instead of letting things slide. You should know this about yourself because this is excellent! But, can you negate progress by handling it wrong? Are you sometimes a bully? Or a nagger? Are you unkind more than you should be? Have your relationships been damaged due to your aggressive nature? Stop first and answer:  Am I leaping into this because I’m a Chaser or because it really is better for the relationship? Open yourself up to the fact that there are other ways to look at things. If dealing with a Dodger, you’ll need to handle it delicately with kindness and respect. Try separating the relationship from the disagreement, because a Dodger will often see the two as linked. And you want to make sure they feel comfortable and safe having the discussion.

Dodgers, you care about relationships. Perfect. And because you do care, don’t you think that sometimes you should step in more? This shows loyalty to your partner, and strengthens this very thing you care about. When you find yourself ignoring issues or shrinking back, ask yourself if you’re doing it because you’re afraid of the conflict or if it truly is better overall for the relationship. If it’s better for the relationship, then OK. But if not, be loyal.  If you’re in a conversation with a Chaser,  you have to step up to the plate a little bit, because they will be wanting to get through the conversation efficiently, and not caring about whether they step on your toes or offend you. So you have to bolster yourself so that you’re ready for what’s potentially a more uncomfortable conversation than you’re used to, and really be ready to step up against any sort of aggression or directness that comes your way.  It’s OK to ask for a break from a conversation or ask for it to be toned down.

The really good news is, everyone can get better at this. Handling conflict is a learned skill.

The really good news is, everyone can get better at this. Handling conflict is a learned skill. Like I said, Bobby is a Chaser and I’m a Dodger. In the beginning of our relationship, I was taken aback and uncomfortable with his style. He was frustrated because I would not talk to him about issues when they arose. In fact, I expected him to just know what I expected, and if he did not meet my expectations, I would give him the cold shoulder – especially if I perceived him to be too aggressive. But over time, he learned to be much more gentle in his approach with me, and I learned that he was right to pursue these matters. I needed to get over myself, and participate in the process. In my mind, we had about two rough years where it seemed like we were always negotiating issues.  Eh, I really hated those conversations!  Ironically, he doesn’t remember it being that way at all. I think it is because he is not as put off by conflict as I am.

Over time, we started knocking issues out of the way, and there were less and less issues to talk about. And we both got better at managing new things without a lot of conflict. Honestly, today we hardly have any conflict at all. Don’t get me wrong; we both possess very strong personalities. But, we have learned to compromise, and give each other “slack” when possible.  Issues are resolved before they become issues.

I really encourage you to try this. It’s good for your relationship. And it’s good for you.

Here’s the link I promised to help you overcome The Silent Treatment.

The Sound Of Silence