It’s Harder to Receive Than to Give

The Near Fumble

Then, he fell in our driveway on black ice, and he has been in significant pain every day. During our Friday morning routine, I reminded him about Saturday’s cooking class. Then, I felt guilty pangs as I thought about him working all day then going to this class. I said, “It’s OK if we don’t go to the cooking class tomorrow. It’s not that important.” His face quite eloquently expressed his opinion of my idea, and we had a few words. They weren’t very heated, and it didn’t last long, as is our way. Let’s skip to the good part.

Afterward, he said, “OK, what do you think just happened there?” I said that I thought he had misread my offer. He felt that I didn’t care about going on our date, but I was trying to care for him because of his pain. Then he explained something that I needed to hear. He said, “It’s my gift to you, and the sacrifice is part of the gift.” I thanked him for the lesson, and I had more thinking to do.

As this percolated in my head, I realized that this incident is not singular for me, and I believe it boils down to this belief in my head.

It Is Selfish to Receive

 I grew up believing that it’s nobler to give than to receive. It’s difficult for me to receive love, care, and compliments. And I silently squirm inside when someone offers a kind word or a present. I subconsciously think it is selfish to receive. And I realized this week, possibly for the first time, that there are hidden downsides to always prioritizing giving over receiving.

Bobby was throwing me a beautiful, winning pass. These mutual gifts – kindness, sincere compliments, confidence, time, and sacrifice – make a marriage. They contribute to us winning in life and our relationships. I almost didn’t catch it.

Here are other reasons people struggle, I think:

Defense Against Intimacy

Prioritizing giving may be a way to keep people away and our hearts protected.

Releasing Control

When we give, we’re in control, right?. It’s easier to offer a kind word or buy someone a gift than to surrender to the good feeling of receiving a gift. And how much of our giving comes from a generous heart rather than our need to be seen as a caring person?

Fear of Strings Attached

Some of us grew up receiving compliments only when we accomplished something, like excelling at sports or achieving good grades. If we feel that we weren’t being accepted for who we are but rather for our accomplishments, receiving might be tinged by the continuing need to perform.

Pressure to Reciprocate

We don’t like to be in anyone’s debt. We may suspect the other person’s motives, wondering, “What do they want from me?” Therefore, we pre-emptively defend ourselves from any sense of obligation by not opening ourselves to the gift.

How Do We Receive Gratefully, Freely, and With Grace?

• We lovingly challenge each other. Bobby could have stayed silent, but he didn’t.
• We listen respectfully for something we might need to learn. I trust and respect Bobby and know that he can often teach me things. So, we try to get through those flashes of hurt feelings quickly so that we can get to the good stuff.
• We go deep in self-reflection and clarify what we feel and why. This is hard work. You have to be self-aware. You might need help from a therapist, and that’s OK. I would check out cognitive behavioral therapy.
• We ask God what He’s trying to teach us. This is a BIG one.
• Look for the opportunity to identify when the situation pops up again and try to do better.
• Call out and celebrate each others’ victories.

This process is a wise roadmap for most disagreements. I wish you well in your journey, friend.

Happy Valentine’s Month!

God believes wholeheartedly in both giving and receiving. You’ll see both here in the words of Jesus from his famous Sermon On The Mount:

 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:7-12

My favorite Valentine song is “My Funny Valentine.” This version is fantastic! It’s Chris Botti performing with Sting at the Wilshire Theatre in December of 2005. They have a bit of fun with it, but the way that Sting sings the song to his wife of twenty-nine years, Trudie, will bring tears to your eyes.