Backup Singers

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Kidd Rock was rockin’ it at a live concert on TV the other day. (Puns are always intended here.) He and his band were Intense. Fans were singing along loudly and dancing with their hands in the air. Who was striking, though, was a particular backup singer. She did what backup singers do, but her dancing and singing were outside the norm. Honestly, without her, that concert wouldn’t have been the same. She added color and love. I think there are backup singers in our life, too — people who encourage and people who discourage. People who hold us up and people who take us down. And they affect our marriages every day, one way or the other. It got me thinking about how they have affected my marriage and how we all can be positive forces to offer marriage help.

Our Backup Singers

Through every single year of our marriage, people have commented on our strong physical connection and affection toward one another. In the earlier years of our marriage, after people would tell us to get a room (ever wonder where the blog name comes from?), they inevitably would follow it up with, “Well, just wait until you’ve been married ___ years.” Younger Me was a bit discouraged by hearing that over and over. And over.

I didn’t have much marriage help in the beginning. I didn’t really see many healthy marriages growing up until I was eighteen and met my future husband’s parents.

Who are you letting into your marriage and your life? Is someone leading your duet offkey? Who brings harmony to your marriage? For those of you with discordant backup singers in your life, I’ve written a few things that might help, and I’ll share the links at the end.

Being Great Backup Singers to the Duets Around Us

This time, though, I thought I’d think about it from the other side. How can we be great backup singers to the marriages of our family members, friends, and coworkers? I write this blog simply because I’m trying to help others with their relationships. But anyone can do the same! Regardless of your relationship status, experience level, or success, you can help marriages.

Marriage Help Tips!

In the words of my grandma, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” If you’re discouraged by your own relationship, I’m sorry, and I’d like to see you get counseling. However, it doesn’t help you to discourage someone else. Ask for what you need and let the starry-eyed keep their sparkle.
Grandmas, uncles, and neighbors who have a track record in marriage can hugely impact others. You might think you have nothing to share, but you do. Ask a newlywed over for dinner. Go on double dates with that younger couple next door, and tell your story. More importantly, build a relationship and let others see how a successful relationship looks.
Don’t let anger from a hurting family member or friend keep you from loving and caring for them now. Press in and ask the question, “How can I help you?” They have a relationship with you. Leverage that to be an upbeat backup singer to that duet.
Be loving, transparent about your failures, and non-judgmental. Let’s face it, we all have fallen short, and those are the best lessons to share. Everyone needs to know they aren’t alone in failing and that failure is not the end of the story.
Give relationship and marriage help books to your family members and friends. I have some favorites! Love and Respect, For Women Only, The Love Dare, 5 Love Languages
Don’t hit the “like” button on Facebook or nod in agreement when one spouse goes on a rant about the other.
Celebrate and promote dating and engagements! For example, send engagement cards and gifts. Use these opportunities to show them that you care about their relationship and are there for them.
Keep a secret. Everyone should know that if they tell you something, it’s not repeated. Ever.
Encourage young couples to seek mentoring. You could even sign on to be their mentor!