Create The Relationship You Want

Like most couples, my mom and dad established particular roles for themselves in our home, and they didn’t wander far from their lanes. Mom’s lane included furnishing the house. Dad didn’t know what new couch he’d be lounging on until the truck arrived. They like it this way.

When we tie the knot, we take what we’ve learned into our marriage. Often we don’t realize that we can create what we want our relationship to be. So when I got married, and it came time to buy furniture, what do you think I did? I called Mom to arrange a shopping date. When I hung up the phone, my husband said that he’d be glad to have Mom along, but why wasn’t he included? Mmmmmm. Bee. Cause?

He very sweetly but directly explained that he wanted to do things that involved our home together.

Hold on.

What?

I was thrilled! A husband who wanted to shop with me? For furniture. I was so pumped, and off we went to buy a couch. I was in heaven.

Aaaaand….paradise lost.

Her: Oh! I love that one!

Him: That one? Nooooo.

Him: Now this is a couch! What do you think?

Her: (No one’s judging you out loud. Mostly it’s silent, side-eye judgment, but really, that doesn’t even count.)

This continued through more furniture expeditions. Months passed. And I began to think that it would’ve been a whole lot easier if Mom and I had just gotten the darn couch. We aren’t quitters, so I hired a designer for a consultation. Barbara came to our house laden with home magazines and asked us to separately clip pictures of furniture that we liked. Her conclusion? I wanted style, and he wanted comfort. We talked about it and realized that the two of us valued both. I hadn’t considered that it would be hard to live every day with the stuff I was considering. And Bobby conceded that he could stretch outside what he had initially envisioned. Barbara gave the rookies practical tips about how to find both in the same piece of furniture.

Victory!

More time passed. We were a bit burned out on couch shopping. Besides, the racing season had begun. If you haven’t been here with me before, you might not know that my husband is a professional drag racer.

Bobby and I were invited to make an appearance with the race car in Oklahoma. Our host and his wife had become friends, and we planned a dinner out together. As we walked through her furniture store to meet up, I saw a couch and offhandedly mentioned that I liked it and continued walking. Bobby casually said, “me, too.” I turned around, and we looked at each other, smiling wide. “What?!” I screamed in a whisper. 

We bought the couch.

There were lessons in this experience for a young couple. We learned that by doing these things, we could create the relationship we want. 

Speak Up

There are pictures in your head, illustrating the relationship on which you’ve set your heart. Yes, this is real life, not a fairy tale. Real men and women can deliver these critical things to one another. Bobby respectfully told me that he wanted to be included in all decisions about our home. It mattered to him.

Try To See their Picture

Bobby directly told me what he needed. That’s key. But if you don’t get that, you have to listen and observe. I call it earning your Ph.D. in your partner. Bobby says he “speaks Lori.” Even though he was clear, I still needed to listen. For instance, during the meeting with the designer, I realized that our pictures were similar. That’s pretty common, I think. Even if they don’t match, you’ll find that compromising ultimately meets your needs in the best way.

Be the Energizer Bunny 

Keep going and going and going. Even when you hate every single couch they show you. What we gained during that time was valuable. We learned how to work together and fight fair. This story and others are woven into our lives and have tightly bound us. When Bobby and I decide on a goal and work together toward it, I dare anyone to get in our way. There’s no one we trust more than one another, and we are unbeatable as a team.

The Rest of the Story

That first couch is long gone. Recently, as we walked the streets of our nearest big city, Bobby spotted the latest acquisition – The Ultimate Couch. It was smaller than average, had clean, modern lines…and was orange. He was so enthusiastic about it, but I was a little taken aback by its bold style. Would he sit on it again to make sure it was comfortable? Could he ask about the return policy just in case? Later, I had a laugh thinking how the tides had turned. Imagine him having to talk me into buying something so stylish.

It now sits in our living room paired with walls in three different shades of gray. And plum. Such style! And it’s comfortable, too.

We both love that room.

If you find yourself in a place where you’re fighting a lot, you might be wondering if you need marriage counseling. This article I wrote might help.

A post worth reading:

Realtor.com | Couples (Couch) Therapy: How to Choose a Sofa You’ll Both Want to Snuggle On