How to Keep the Spark Alive

I was blessed to be featured in UpJourney recently; I contributed to an article entitled What Happens When You Meet Your Soulmate. Afterward, someone posted an intriguing comment on my social media about it. I love all of your comments, and we read every one, no matter where you post them. His statement got me thinking about how to keep the spark alive in our relationships.

So he said: “I don’t really buy the soulmate thing…Maybe a relationship…is like a pair of work boots. Awkward the first couple times you wear them. But just before they are about to go to their eternal reward they get really comfortable.”

I laughed really hard out loud. Then I thought about it. I replied, “There’s a lot of wisdom in what you say. My idea of ‘soulmate’ is not some fairytale up-in-the-clouds thing, but more that you’ve found someone who fits you. Maybe not immediately, but you see that they could. The challenges of relationships don’t disappear, but you both are more motivated to do everything necessary. And if it’s done well and God is honored, rather than an old work boot, it’s more like a pair of Doc Martens, British-cool, young at heart, still driving hard – and even better when they’re well worn.”

That’s a picture of Pete Townsend wearing his well-worn Doc Martens, by the way. But, how do we keep the spark alive in our relationship? Let’s figure that out together. We’re certainly not perfect at this, and have had to learn about it through failing, believe me. I’ll give my opinion, and then you can give yours. I can’t wait to see what you think!

Grow up.

No relationship will be perfect because it’s made up of imperfect humans. However, an association composed of healthy and mature individuals is more likely to create something extraordinary. Honestly, a person never really stands still. They are either moving forward or drifting back. If you’ve ever been to a high school reunion, you’ve witnessed this. 

I’m a Jesus-follower. Please know that you’re always welcome with me if you’re not. I hope that I’m welcome with you. Today’s advice will work for anyone, I promise. Jesus is a relationship expert! We see him eating with those whom the world shunned throughout his life on earth. We see him healing men and women whom society deemed unworthy of such compassion. We see him sacrificing for those he served.

How would your relationship look if your partner tried to be like that – if as imperfect as they are – if they were a smidge closer to that every single day? What would your relationship look like if you tried to be like that? 

Could this possibly keep the spark alive?

Be adventurous together.

Recent studies show a relationship between personal growth and our passion for our partner. And if these experiences are shared, the force is even more vital.

Everything is exciting when we begin an intimate relationship because everything is new. Plus, each of you is also changing as you adapt to the new relationship. Over the years, we get to know our intimate partner better than any other person, settle into our lives, and what was once new and exciting can become old and boring. Here’s the good news. Couples can maintain that excitement by engaging in novel experiences that promote personal growth.

For us, we started racing together not long after we got married. I contend that racing is where our bond became unbreakable. Bobby continued his growth with writing and public speaking. He traveled all over this country talking to kids about following their dream and, even more important, following God. He was always stretching. I managed the team, ensuring the crew had a place to stay, food to eat and parts in the trailer. But managing things has always been in my wheelhouse. During my 50’s, though, things got uncomfortable. Suddenly, this analytical and logical left-brainer started singing in public (Bobby and I began performing blues together locally) and writing a blog. This blog is a ministry – a love letter to you. I testify that this research is accurate! These many years have been uncomfortable, exciting and we’ve just continued to grow closer and closer and closer.

Make a safe space.

Create a place where tough conversations can exist with little judgment. This includes being able to ask each other for what you want. And for challenging each other on their decisions and behavior. Bobby has told me that when I question him in these conversations, he often considers my words as coming directly from the Holy Spirit. Now, that’s intimate- and keeps the spark alive.

Make their needs a priority for you.

Be each others’ best friend, and show up in the way that matters most for everything important to them. I was all in for every race. And Bobby performs with me, reads every article, and listens to all my dreams and worries. We are there for each other in every way – the big and the small. This is huge.

Make every year better than the last.

Constantly look for ways to connect and improve upon your relationship.

Bobby and I are best friends and great lovers. We always come back to the foundation — our love is not transactional, and as author and pastor Andy Stanley writes, it’s “a submission contest and race to the back of the line.”

Spice it up!

Try this…

Now what?

I’ve given you five things to consider. But thinking doesn’t change anything. You gotta start doing. Find a church and see what God has to teach you about loving Him and loving others. Then, together, find something that scares you, and be sure that it serves someone else.

I guarantee that you will grow individually and closer as a couple. No old. No boring. No waking up years later wondering who the person is next to you. Nobody wants that. I don’t want that for you, Friend.

I’ve written more advice on this topic. This one tells the story of the morning I realized that I was on auto-pilot and taking my good, good man for granted.

Beautiful Picture

Check out this real-life example.

I’ve told you that I’m a singer; music speaks to me as nothing else can. This is one of the most beautiful songs I know about marriage intimacy called “I Will Be Here.” It’s written and performed by Stephen Curtis Chapman for his wife. He wrote it a long time ago, but this particular video was him still singing it in 2017.

He’s still “here.”

Their life has not been easy. They lost their 5-year old daughter, Maria Sue, in 2008 after she was struck by an SUV driven by her teenage brother in the family’s driveway near Nashville. Two other children witnessed the accident, and the entire family was home at the time.

He wrote a song five months before Maria died about his daughters called Cinderella. He couldn’t sing it for a long time after she died, but realized that he had other daughters and had to be there for them. He still sings it today.

He’s still “here.”

Stephen is an excellent example for all of us. God says we should follow standards like him. Paul wrote about following others’ models to the Christian congregation he had established in Philippi. It would be best if you tried this; it’ll set you up for a great life.

“Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do.” Philippians 3:17