Growing up, my family had the best tradition at Thanksgiving. Gathered around the table, we would each take our turn and share what we were most thankful for that year. My brother was always funny, as he’d take the opportunity to poke fun at everyone for things that happened throughout the year. But then, right at the end, he’d hit us with the sentimental zinger that always made me and Mom cry. Dad and Mom always said they were thankful for the same thing every year: Family. I don’t remember what I said, but I recall how those words of appreciation reminded us that were weren’t just four people existing in a house together. We were people who loved and supported each other unconditionally despite our many shortcomings. Expressing gratitude for each other is one of the best and easiest ways to keep your relationships close and thriving.
Now, think back. How did it go today with your partner? Perhaps this morning, the two of you were racing around the house chugging coffee, making toast, and trying to get out of the house on time. No gestures of appreciation were in sight. Whatever happened, the chances are that it was more along the lines of “What do you want for dinner tonight” rather than “You’re the best! I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” Take heart! That’s normal. For the most part, I don’t think couples stop appreciating their partners —they just start taking them for granted and stop communicating their gratitude.
I have great news! Showing appreciation doesn’t require a grand gesture—it’s more about little things you can easily do each day. Come on. I’ll show you the way. I’ll even share some simple, low-key ideas for you at the end.
Figure out their love language and act accordingly.
You’ve probably heard about the best-selling book The 5 Love Languages. It exploded back in the ’90s and is so relevant and practical that it’s still referenced today. In his book, Gary Chapman teaches about them: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Knowing your partner’s language can help you determine the best way to show appreciation in a way that matters most to them. If your partner likes to receive words of affirmation—like a love letter—but you show it as physical touch, like a big hug, it won’t resonate as much with them. Once you nail the correct language, you’ll open up all sorts of possibilities that will quickly hit the sweet spot.
I’m going to share a link at the end where I wrote more about love languages; it includes a link to a quick quiz to determine your love languages.
Incorporate more small gestures into your day.
Sometimes in a long-term relationship, we get comfortable and forget to acknowledge our partner. But it’s crucial to pause and appreciate them in some way every day—like kissing them when you come in and when you leave, saying good morning and good night, and just breaking to talk when they walk in the door.
In general, it’s crucial to give them your undivided attention.
Years ago, my husband, Bobby, and I went to see a movie in which Billy Crystal directed and starred called “Mr. Saturday Night.” This funny and tragic story about the downfall of a fictional Jewish stage comedian named Buddy Young, provided all the feels. After the movie, we talked about it for quite a while. But my husband focused on something that surprised and enlightened me. He was struck by how Buddy’s future wife Elaine acted on the night they met. Bobby went into great detail about how Elaine listened intently to Buddy and how she laughed at all of his jokes. He loved that scene. This young wife took note of the way that scene affected him and how I could better express gratitude to him. I learned to stop what I was doing, look at him and listen.
These little moments add up to more than The Grand Gesture ever will.
Be super-specific when expressing gratitude.
The words that tend to resonate the most are specific—so think first about the exact thing that you want your partner to know. Why are they the best—did they remind you of your value in a low moment? Or did they pick up a chore you usually do? Whatever they did, try to be more specific about thanking them for that particular action. My hubby always has sweet nicknames for me. Some have stood the test of our 40-year relationship; others come and go. In the last two weeks, he has been calling me “Little Genius.” Then he tells me explicitly just what he has been admiring about my accomplishments. When he’s specific like that, his gratitude feels so real and tangible.
Remember flirting? Don’t forget about flirting!
Flirting never goes out of style! It is, in fact, gratitude. Seeing, appreciating, and wanting each other makes us feel desired.
A simple compliment like, “Your shoulders look great in that shirt” or “I love how those jeans look on you” reminds them that they are wanted. And an “I can’t wait to see you tonight” text during the day works wonders.
Here are my ideas. But you know better than me. Trust your instincts! You’re gonna be blessed when you show appreciation like this. Really, you are.
Expressing gratitude with Acts of Service
- Make them a meal you know they’ll love
- Take the baby exclusively so they can have a break
- Get the groceries
- Do their laundry
- Take the dog for a walk
Expressing gratitude with Words of Affirmation
- Leave a sweet post-it on the bathroom mirror
- Express appreciation about a project they’ve finished
- Write them a love letter
- Post on social media about something fabulous they did
- Text or call to say you love them
Expressing gratitude with Physical Touch
- Offer a back scratch or a massage
- Hold their hand while out in public
- Hug or a kiss them
- Give lots of cuddling
- Go out for a night of dancing – or dance in the kitchen!
Expressing gratitude with Gifts
- Bring them their fave flowers, or have them sent to work
- Buy them something they’ve wanted for awhile
- Splurge on something they would never expect
- Leave a small gift for them on the pillow
- Sign them up for a class you know they’ll love. Even better, take it with them.
Expressing gratitude with Quality Time
- Cook together or try a new restaurant
- Go on a walk together
- Plan a romantic picnic outside or on the living room floor
- Buy two tickets for a movie or concert you know they’d love
- Schedule a weekly date night
I hope these help. Here is the article where I covered love languages. It includes the quiz.
Speaking of showing appreciation, please don’t forget to express gratitude every single day to the One who made you, who loves you, who died for you and yearns to spend time with you. How can it be that the One who placed the stars in the sky and told the oceans where to stop, loves me and wishes for my time like a good, good father? I’m feeling especially grateful for this miracle.
“It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night.” Psalm 92: 1-2
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