My husband Bobby recently reconnected with his childhood friend Kevin on social media. He read me a post written by Kevin about how he’s managing quarantine. Bobby knew I would be intrigued by it because I’m endlessly interested in relationships and how we navigate our way through them. That’s a fancy way perhaps of saying that I’m nosy about people’s personal business. In my defense, I do share some pretty personal business of my own in this blog so you get equal opportunity.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this extraordinary situation we’re in and how we’ll tell the stories of it to our kids and their kids. We are living history every hour right now, for better or for worse. This world-changing disaster will rewrite our politics, our economy, and our culture. But more importantly, the history we live in, the choices we make personally will shape and change our family. What story will you tell?
We’ve learned new words and ways of living that we never thought we’d learn. And we really didn’t want to.
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- Shelter in place.
- Paycheck Protection Program.
- Social distancing.
- TicTok.
- Stimulus check.
- Intubate.
- Mass Unemployment.
- Zoom.
- Pivot.
- Quarantini.
- Working From Home.
- Teaching At Home.
- Essentials.
- The New Normal.
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And these words aren’t new but they certainly have reared their heads in unrivaled ways: Loneliness. Fear. Sickness. Panic. Anxiety. Death. We cannot overstate the impact of these things on us. And for those of you who are sick or have lost someone to the invisible enemy, I’m truly sorry.
“Pivot” is a word we’ve been hearing. We’ve all been doing A LOT of that in one way or another. Some more than others. Things are changing weekly, and every country – every state – every household and business is figuring it out as we go along. As we are moving closer and closer to “getting back to normal,” I wonder…
I wonder – has quarantining highlighted the good and the not so good in your relationship with your partner? Hold that thought…
Back to Kevin. Naturally, I wrote Kevin to investigate his situation. Oh! A little too far for you? Well, you have to get really good at this to attain my Supreme Level Of Nosy. I got it from my mom, but do not – I repeat – do not tell her I said this. Anyway, Kevin graciously wrote back and shared some of his story. Spoiler Alert. He entitles it “Our Fairy Tale Meeting” so you know the beginning of all of this is oh so good.
“It was a night between Christmas and New Year’s Eve 1978 that one of my life’s top 5 shooting stars shot through the sky. I had been working at the office late and drove back to my home around 8 that night. One of my favorite songs, ‘Green Grass and High Tides’ was playing on the radio when I pulled into the driveway. I turned off the engine and sat in the car just listening and looking into the clear dark sky. Across the sky from left to right sailed a beautiful shooting star that extended the entire sky. Having been in the area for only 3 months and not having someone in my life, I made my wish on that star for someone truly special to come into my life.
Several days later, New Year’s Eve arrived and I found myself doing a jigsaw puzzle At 8 pm thinking – I cannot be hanging at home on NY eve, so I showered and headed to the local pub. New Year’s Eve is the only day a guy can kiss all the girls, shake hands with all the guys, and get away with it. And I did. After the dropping of the ball, I drove over to the best disco, The Dialtone.
As I entered and paid my cover fee, I saw this beautiful young girl sitting by herself in a booth at the end of the aisle. I walked up to her and asked why she was alone. She stated her friends were on the dance floor which prompted me to ask her for a NY Eve kiss.
She laughed, agreed, and I have to believe this was the best moment of my life.
What a beautiful and dare I say…fairy tale… story. But think about it. I bet most people reading this could share a story like this. Bobby and I have one. I think most people who are or have been married do, too. For the most part, we don’t agree to marry someone or be with someone – unless something magical happened.
But have you been paying attention? Has this enforced sheltering exposed some cracks in your relationship that The Old Normal allowed you to ignore? I can hear some people scoffing at this question thinking: Are you crazy? I’ve been too busy, too worried, too something to think about anything but surviving!
I’m going to lovingly push you a little bit on this. This is the time. Before you run back to the busyness. To the comfortable. To the charade.
There is no better time to evaluate your relationship because this unique and unprecedented quarantine is right now making the state of the union easier to identify. You can still ignore it of course, but you’d be wise not to.
My advice is not to evaluate your relationship on where it is today but where it’s going. It doesn’t need to be taking its last breath for it to be going in the wrong direction. Is it getting better or worse? Is it getting more intimate or less intimate? Are you arguing more or less? Do you have more or less tender moments? Relationships are NEVER idle. They are always moving. You would be foolish to respond to today and wise to respond to the linear direction of the relationship. The trend line, so to speak. And when we’re experiencing difficulty no matter the severity, we often take a passive approach. We think it’s gonna work out, it was just another fight or that these times are just very trying. But these things are often not just an event, but a path.
I heard once that Attention determines Direction which determines Destination. I wholeheartedly agree. What does that mean in this situation? Well, if the path of your relationship is not going up, it’s going down. Give it some attention. Even if it’s still good.
I know that many of us don’t have one ounce of energy left right now. Physically. Fiscally. Emotionally. I’m not trying to make it worse. But I’ve been through some things. Really bad things. And, I cannot tell you the relief you feel by taking one small step to resolve a nagging life issue that has been hanging around in the perimeter. No energy? Do one thing. It’s OK to go slow but just take one step.
Here’s where I would start.
Own your part. You are going to be tempted to blame whatever bad is happening on the virus. On the stress. On the economy. But for your own good, please don’t. Think about it. Is what you’re seeing new or just more easily recognizable right now? Own your role in this.
Do something. Make a call to a counselor. Call the doc and talk about the anxiety. Or the low libido. Acknowledge that this relationship that everyone thinks is great or once was great might need a tune-up and bring up the subject. Do whatever fits, but get this started.
Sacrifice. You’ll likely need to give something up. End that relationship; you know deep down it’s threatening your marriage even if nothing has happened yet. Or that girlfriend who agrees every time you complain about your man and doesn’t offer relationship-sustaining advice? Get a new friend who has a rockin’ marriage. You might have to spend some money on the relationship instead of that new house/car/phone you’ve been planning. Or, you might have to sacrifice some pride and seek out free help.
Brave the judgment. Other people only see what’s happening now or what you’ve allowed them to see. But I’m asking you to look at where you see things heading. Others might not have this insight and may not agree with the choices you make to send this relationship up the trend line. Even your smart friends. It’s OK. Do it anyway.
Wanna hear the rest of Kevin’s story? Here is the intriguing post that got this all started.
“I am so thankful I have a wife who I love to spend my time with regularly. We have begun a daily routine of hanging out during the day. She does her thing, I do mine. When weather allows, we power walk our local park for 8 miles. Afterwards, we shower together, then prepare for the night. Typical fantastic dinner which she prepares, an hour of watching our favorite TV show ‘Bonanza’, then I play guitar and sing for the next 1.5 hrs. I couldn’t ask for a better scenario during a lock-down.
The shower is the bright part of the day. We’ve been together for 41 years. Presently, our love for each other is as perfect as I could have ever imagined while growing up. She is my Angel and I am her guardian. I truly believe I could never find a better mate in life than Sarah.”
Turn down the noise for a peaceful 2021
If you need even more inspiration that you can fight, have a listen to my new fave singer Teddy Swims (I’m obsessed) singing one of my all-time fave songs about persevering in love.
Listen to Teddy Swims sing Make You Feel My Love
Bobby and I love you and are praying for you and for your family.
