Work on Yourself Before Getting Into a Relationship

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I love romance and everything that goes with it. Hallmark movies. Romance novels. Rom-Coms. Oh yes, I love Rom-Coms. But. And this is a BIG but. These purveyors of romance all stop at the best part – the essential part. The actual relationship! I worry sometimes that too much emphasis is placed on the wedding day, but not the marriage itself. Seriously, one spans one day; the other is the rest of your life. Wouldn’t it make sense to prepare for your future relationship now?

No relationship will be perfect because it’s made up of imperfect humans. But, everyone is worthy of love regardless of their self-esteem or baggage. We don’t have to be fully healed and whole before finding it. We can love without embarking on tons of therapy, having a bunch of hobbies, and knowing how to set up your home office for the perfect Zoom call. (Long story. Don’t ask.)

However, these things can help you in life, and I recommend them. A relationship will never be healthier than the two people in it. If you believe that, don’t you think it would be wise to prepare yourself for a better life regardless of your relationship status? Pursue it headlong! And as you do, look around. Is anyone keeping pace? Introduce yourself. No one on this side of heaven is perfect, but learning oneself and improving is the best way to turn your life toward happiness and identify potential partners who are doing the same.

But how do you get started? First, remember that it’s a journey, and time is your friend.

Examine Your Circle.

Jim Rohn was an American businessman and a self-made millionaire before turning 31. He was also a big believer in the power of self-discipline to achieve one’s ambitions. His most famous quote is, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Take a moment to reflect on your friends’ attitudes, words, and actions. Do you think your friends influence your life and your ability to achieve all of your future hopes and dreams? What do you want your life to look like in ten years? Twenty?

Do you have friends who are optimistic about life? Do they show good character in their language and deeds? Are they passionate about their lives and making a mark in them? I’m not suggesting that you shrug off excellent and honest friends who don’t happen to be successful as the world deems success. But, I do think that you need exceptional people surrounding you. If you’re going to tackle mountains, with whom will you do it?

Seek Advice.

In order to work on yourself before getting into a relationship, you have to learn about it. Part of being wise is knowing when and from whom to seek advice. Who are you listening to? The people you listen to are a preview of the future you. Look around. Who seems to be going in the direction that you want to go? Not just financially or socially. Those things can be temporary. Who are the quality people? The Servant Leaders? The ones who think things through and try to get better at life and relationships? I have counseled many couples in unhappy relationships over the years, and I have a question that I ask everyone the first day. Who do you talk to about this relationship? The woman usually tells me about a girlfriend or a group of girlfriends. Then she’ll expound on their terrible relationships. The man, well, he isn’t talking to anyone. Please don’t make this mistake. I know it feels comfortable speaking to people walking in your shoes. But if you want to excel at something, find a mentor and ask them questions. Then be quiet and listen.

Be Kind To Yourself. And Get Better.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone. Until the day we die. So be proud of the things you like and show grace to yourself for the things you don’t. At the same time, do you have hurts, hang-ups, or habits you need to kick? Even if others have had a hand in causing them, if you want to turn your life towards happiness, the people who hurt you likely can’t help you with this. But some people can. You need to make that first move. Please do it for your future partner and children now. Better yet, please do it for yourself. Seek out a counselor, a Pastor, or a support group.

I know personally how this can turn around a marriage.

Know What You Want In A Partner. And Make A List.

OK, be honest. Did the words hot or rich cross your mind? I don’t blame you; that’s probably what most people think. But – you’re not most people, and your dreams for the future are not average.

Consider what traits this oh-so-important person should have. Don’t date anyone you wouldn’t want to be. Physical attraction is necessary, but make sure that there’s something substantial behind form and face. Physical beauty will change, but attributes like humor and kindness are sexy forever. And money’s not an evil thing. But if you choose someone solely for it, you’ll find that money can’t hold you in the middle of the night or grieve with you when your life crashes around your feet.

To prepare for your future relationship now, you need to know what a person of quality looks like. What are your non-negotiables? Here are some timeless ones to consider.

a focus on God first
kindness and affection for others
exuberance about life
a willingness to stick with things
a sense of compassion in their heart
loyalty to commitments
the ability to direct their energies wisely
chemistry
personality
compatibility
shared life goals

Respect Yourself.

This one is for the women in the audience. A couple of months ago, I wanted to write something along the lines of “cute texts for him.” My mind was dry, so I sought inspiration online. WHAT? The advice I saw, meant for you to send to a guy you’ve just met, made me upset for you. Most examples I saw sounded plain desperate.

My dear friend, you are not desperate. You are beautiful, strong, and have immense value. Read that again. Please see yourself as someone who is due respect and who takes yourself, your needs, and your feelings into account. Once you begin seeing yourself this way, others will too.

Be Faithful Now.

Your future partner is on this earth right now. Yes, you haven’t met, but do you intend to be faithful to them when you do? Practice now. Treat the ones you’re dating with respect. And be faithful. If you think marriage will help you stop cheating and be faithful, that’s not true. Be that person now so that you’re prepared and have no regrets when you finally meet The One.

Learn Assertive Communication Skills.

Learning effective communication is the one thing that helped me the most in my marriage. There are four communication styles: Passive (bad), Aggressive (bad), Passive-Aggressive (very bad), and Assertive (good!). I used to be the very bad (!) one when I met my husband. I had specific rules for how I thought he should behave, and I felt he should know them. And, I was a master at The Silent Treatment. Learning to communicate assertively will. change. your. life. Learning the skill of assertive communication is a vital part of working on yourself.

Learn To Extend Grace and Forgiveness. And the Art of a Good Apology.

Wow, this one is perhaps the hardest thing to learn. Grace means giving someone an undeserved gift. So in relationships, it means letting things go, even when the other person is wrong. Every single thing doesn’t have to be A Thing. Conversely, offering an apology quickly and sincerely covers a multitude of sins. Living with someone 24/7 over many years guarantees conflict. You can begin to practice it in all relationships. Offering up grace or an apology will assure peace in your home.

Let’s wrap this up.

Do you have to be in a relationship to be fulfilled? I don’t think so. But, I can say that I have found great happiness in my relationship with my perfectly imperfect husband. The key is showing enough respect to yourself and one another by working toward better. Not perfect. Better. I wish you great, great happiness, Friend!

Since I know that you’re interested about pursuing healthy relationships, I’m sharing something I wrote about the role mental health plays in a relationship: Why Should I Care About Kim and Kanye’s Story?

Post Worth Reading: “How to use a ‘love list’ to find your ideal romantic partner” | Brianna Steinhilber | nbcnews.com