It’s Terminal

Do you mean it when you say
the relationship is over????

So, I’m waiting for my take-out order at a local restaurant and out of the blue, I hear…

HER: (Loudly) “What the %$#@? I’m so $%% tired of your &^%$! I’m done!”

(SILENCE THAT WENT ON FOREVER)

HIM: (Quietly) “What do you mean ‘done’?”

I glanced over and recognized that he was having one of those moments. You know those moments. The ones where you feel that sickness in your stomach? That knot in your throat? Honestly, I was having one of those moments, and I didn’t even know him. I moved away from their table quickly because this conversation was personal. As I was leaving several minutes later, I noticed them talking, and she was smiling. Him? Not so much.

I don’t know what happened after I left the restaurant that day. Or the next day. But I have a phrase for what I heard. I call it Terminal Language. Verbiage like “I’m done” means or should mean that the person is ending the relationship. It isn’t bad and is appropriate when we mean it because it’s clear, and we need to be clear in these situations.

But Terminal Language can hurt us and others if we use it when we shouldn’t.

I’ve been here. It was terrible – dreadful – soon after we became a couple.  But I ignored my instincts and went back. Saying “I’m done” and going back to him two times made me feel weak and showed that I wasn’t fully respecting myself. I sacrificed a lot of myself to keep him, and he didn’t deserve it. And let’s face it – some of us have done this way more than we want to admit. Maybe it’s been happening for years.

If we go crawling back after every single fight where we say “I’m done,” what message is that sending them? It says that they can continue to get away with that behavior because we don’t mean it whenever we say those two words. Saying it won’t necessarily make them change, but acting upon it will change our life’s trajectory.

To say, “I’m done” takes great courage. We often try to keep people in our lives that are only meant to stay for a few chapters in our story, not the whole novel.

This isn’t their story; it’s ours.

The second way it happens is when we use Terminal Language indiscriminately. 

In many of these situations, the relationship is primarily good, but it’s just developing.  Or it still needs work.

But – brace yourself – we might need to grow up a bit.

We need to use self-control in these situations and not go for Dramatic Effect. This Is Not A Movie. This is our lives.

So here are the tips that I’ve learned from doing things right. And wrong.

• Stop. Don’t say the first thing that comes to mind when you’re irritated, angry or frustrated. Stop before you speak, and slap your hand over that mouth before any Terminal Language comes out.
• Think. Carefully consider if your words will be helpful to your partner and your relationship. Is this the right time and place to share what’s on your mind?
• Choose. Recognize that you are at an important fork in the road. Carefully choose your response. Speak words that will bring life to your relationship — or bite your tongue and say nothing.
• Apologize. If it happens, call it and apologize immediately. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to be angry or that you’re letting anything go. It means that they and the relationship are principal, and that this is not a terminal language-worthy issue.

Recognize that you are at an important fork in the road. Carefully choose your response.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18)

“The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21)

If you’ve been following along, you know that I often can’t resist including music because it speaks to me so much. Listen to John Mayer tell us his story. It’s called “Out Of My Mind.” My husband suggested the song this morning while we were dancing in the living room to it. We were supposed to be cooking breakfast. See? There is life after this nonsense. Such sweet life.

We’ve talked about what NOT to do. Men, how about some advice on how to compliment your girl? Here’s:

How To Tell Your Girl She’s Beautiful