Like a Bowling Ball

Did you know that race cars are like bowling balls? Yeah, me neither. At least not until my race car driver husband explained it to me one day early on in our race career. I trusted him on that, and well, it turned out OK. Trusting one’s life partner is just as important as counting on one’s racing partner. Getting married triggers significant shifts in your world. Now, instead of being the sole master of your universe, you’re sharing that space with your soul mate. The two of you must learn how to navigate life as a team and figure out ways to make strong decisions together. And when time doesn’t allow for discussion, weighing pros and cons, and compromise? Sometimes you must trust that race cars and bowling balls are the same.

How much do you trust that your spouse can make good decisions? Do you ever worry that they will make a poor one in your absence?

I don’t know what kind of person you are. I’m “left-brained,” which is more logical, analytical, and objective. My natural tendency is to be decisive and a planner; my husband recognizes this gift and leans on me for it. But, I’ve learned that most strengths are also weaknesses if we don’t check them. I’ve had to learn to trust him more. I’m still fighting through that, by the way. But, I remember specific times in my life that have driven the point home.

This was one of those times.

So there we were at an eighth-mile, backwoods track in West Virginia. It was early in our racing career and marriage. My hubby was not the veteran driver he is today. In case you don’t know him, he’s a champion NHRA Top Alcohol Funny Car driver; his current ride is a cool nostalgia dragster in the Competition Eliminator class. He’s known for his skill; he has taught at the most prestigious driving school in the country. See Bobby Martin Racing for more info. We started match racing in the Mid-America Funny Car Circuit. The cars were fast, the circuit professional, and it offered a chance to learn to drive and a less expensive way into the sport. The tracks we ran on were small backwoods ones. We loved them, the fans were GREAT, but they were challenging. My husband contends that they taught him how to drive by the seat of his pants like no national-event track ever could.

My husband had begun his habit of walking the whole track, up one side and down the other, looking for bumps, curves, and how long the shutdown area was after the finish line. Then, when he returned, he would stand at the starting line and study it. The circuit president approached us at the starting line that day. The veteran began to coach Bobby on when to pull the parachutes used to stop these cars. He said, “Make sure that you wait until after the finish line to pull the chutes, or they’ll get caught on the guardrail and pull you into the wall.” I struggled to maintain my “Nothing To See Here Face” as I observed this track that looked like two skinny sidewalks with a strip of grass between them. I was afraid for his safety.

An Impasse

As soon as we were alone on the starting line, I informed my husband that we were not racing on that track. He told me that we were. An impasse. He looked at me and said, “We committed to racing here, and that’s what we need to do. Besides, I’ve figured out that if I drive the car like a bowler throws a hook shot down the lane, I can get it down there. He explained that he would start at the right side of the right lane on the starting line and curve the car down the track to end up at the left side of the same lane at the finish. Whuuuuut? In my experience, this was not probable. Funny cars have to be manhandled! This car had 2500 horsepower, and it was going to accelerate from 0 to 200 mph in less than 7 seconds in an eighth of a mile. He was talking about finessing it down this skinny, bumpy surface alongside another racecar on the other side of a patch of grass the width of my thigh.

I had a decision to make. I had to either trust him or not. I’m smart. I truly am. But so is he. Way smarter, actually. So why not figure out how to make this decision together?

Furthermore, I can’t drive a funny car. And, he was sure of himself. So, I stood there a minute in silence. I nodded and asked how I needed to change my procedure to accommodate this plan. I didn’t like it. I fretted all day. I may have even pouted. Then (a bit late), I prayed. I literally decided to put him in the driver’s seat.

Then I stood on the starting line and watched him throw a hook down a greasy southern race track. With a dang funny car.

Take that, Smarty-Pants.

That was a lesson in trusting someone else with a RISKY decision. There have been many lessons since at home and work.

Now, not every decision is like this one. There is often time to discuss, consider, and weigh the pros and cons. I’m known for my spreadsheets that weigh probabilities. Just sayin’. Then, there are decisions like this where you have to trust the other person and go with it. But, I think these rules of thumb have served us well over the years.

Here are some ways to make strong decisions together (From a Self-Proclaimed Know-It-All):

Don’t be a know-it-all.

I’m talkin’ to myself here. You can decide if I’m talking to you, too. 🙂

Be honest about your feelings.

Be direct as you go through the decision-making process together. Not speaking up about your feelings usually leads to resentment. And often a wrong decision.

Examine the pros and cons.

Analyze the good and bad points of the decisions you face together. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Discuss your options and view them from all angles. If you need to, list the pros and cons on paper. This technique can help you emotionally detach from a choice that could be detrimental to your relationship or goals. 

Consider long-term effects.

Is this decision going to matter tomorrow? Will it have significant effects on your life for years to come? Carefully evaluating the potential results of your choices and how they may affect you, your partner or your children will help you keep things in perspective.

Compromise.

Create win-win situations to avoid becoming locked in a stalemate. If there’s no clear win-win, and compromising your wants in favor of your spouse’s isn’t going to cause any harm, loosen your grip. Sometimes, though, someone has to give. It’s best to submit to the one with the best knowledge of the subject matter. Then, show trust and support the decision.

Pray.

Praying together over decisions will help you find clarity and unity. Plus, if your Father is the king of the universe and all-knowing and powerful, why not go to him?

Seek agreement.

If at all possible, work diligently to reach an actual agreement. Avoid forcing your spouse to agree to anything using ultimatums, manipulation, or coercion. If you want to strengthen your relationship, invest the time and effort to reach your decisions as a team.

Emotional safety is key to making decisions together, too. It’s hard to speak up if you don’t feel like you can, right? I wrote about this if you’d like to know more.

I’m still learning and growing. Hope you are, too.