Love is a battlefield. But it doesn’t have to be.

Love is a battlefield. There. I said it. But it doesn’t always need to be. Is it annoying when your partner throws their socks on the floor next to the laundry basket every night? Sure, maybe. Is that as bad as their tendency to speak poorly about you to their friends? Almost certainly not. Some issues in a relationship merit attention, even serious discussion with your partner; others don’t.

The difficulty arises when you have to decipher between the two. The internet is full of specific lists counseling us on all the things we must talk about and get right in our relationships. The fact of the matter is, I don’t think topics of conflict are something for which anyone can blithely write a list. Our personal circumstances factor into these decisions far too much for that.

So let’s say that your partner is 85 percent perfect and 15 percent not. The majority is all the things you love about them — the way they full belly laugh when they’re amused; how she tells bedtime stories to the kids in full character; and how he takes on your share of the chores when you’re swamped.

Maybe it’s you. Perhaps it’s not.

There’s a percentage of every relationship that’s really just about you. Most problems in a relationship have nothing to do with the other person. Sometimes the tiny things that irritate you about another person say more about you. When you consider your partner’s good and not-so-good traits, think about it. Am I just being hypercritical, or do they tug at something more profound? Am I ticked that my partner never cleans the toilet because I personally dislike a less-than-sparkling bathroom? Or because my partner knows I can’t stand this and I’ll do it eventually? Again. It really matters which one it is. You need to objectively figure out if you’re being fussy about not having things your way or if the case constitutes an iceberg tip poised to sink your ship of dreams.

How to tell the difference.

Sometimes, we’re annoyed due to things that have happened in our past. You’re annoyed because your mom would have been upset. Or because your dad never acted that way.

But how do you tell the difference between problems in a relationship needing to be addressed and problems to let slide? Well, you don’t want to sweat the small stuff, and you don’t want to allow the essential issues to fester. And not every conflict can be resolved. Some couples continue to disagree about issues in a relationship for years but successfully avoid resentment.

It’s a subjective question. Tiny, even inadvertent actions might signal danger to some people. In contrast, others brush them off as no biggie. Both decisions can be wise. It all depends on who you are and the situation.

While I don’t think I can adequately write a list for you, let me take a stab at some examples:

Nah, I wouldn’t discuss these.

1. Minor Personality Quirks: Back to the socks. Say you’re married to a person who throws their socks on the floor next to the hamper every night. They are basically a messy person, but this challenges your patience. Do you voice it? Probably not. Probably, you learn to let it go. Messies live among us. They’re not messy because they yearn to irritate you; that’s just how they move through the world. You have stuff that likely irritates them, too.
2. Frustrations That Are Really About Something Else: Many minor daily annoyances are holdovers from another area of your life. Are you mad that your partner didn’t arrive on time — so sore that you must have a serious talk about it? Or is it really just residual frustration from the highly exasperating day at work? Or because your dad was always late to your ball games, and you still resent that? If either of the latter, the solution is probably not picking a fight with them. Instead, why not let them distract you in whatever way they do it best?

Perhaps you should discuss these.

1. If It’s Really About A Deeper Problem: This may be confusing because I just said not to pick a fight about the socks. But these everyday frustrations can build up. This is especially true if you’ve evaluated that it’s not a “you thing,” you’ve explained as well as you can about why it is a deeper issue, but it seems that they are just ignoring your requests. If this is the case, speak up. Tell them that it’s not about the socks; it’s about the desire to feel heard and respected. Speaking of being respected, do your best to approach them in the way you would want to be approached.
2. If You Have Different Perspectives On Big Things: Disagreement on specific topics could decide your relationship’s future. What do they think about getting married? Do they want kids? If you’re considering whether or not you could spend your life with a person, ask these and other questions like them. Then, really believe their answers. Most people don’t change their minds about these kinds of subjects.
3. If You Seem To Hold Different Values: If you two diverge on core values — for me that would be like the fact that I’m committed to God, and say, my partner was drifting away from belief — bring it up. We may have some variability in importance, but these things will be deal-breakers if the most important things are valued differently.

The Crux

Intimacy is about being willing to be vulnerable to another person. I don’t think there should be a lot that you can’t talk about, especially about issues in a relationship. Bring up significant issues as they arise — but treat the small things as small things. And try to consider annoyances in your own context. 

I wrote about assertive communication for those times you’ve decided to address something. That’s hard, right? Why don’t you take a look?

Re-sharing this because it’s that good: Stop Being a Butthole Wife | Debbie Wilkins Baisden