Sustain a Marriage With Forgiveness

I read an article recently called “Why We Need Moments of Mad Thinking.” In it, the author contends, “We banish a great many thoughts from our minds on the grounds that they are, as we put it, ‘mad’.  Some of them evidently are: too mean, flawed, absurd or petty to deserve further exploration. But it’s one of the tragedies of our thinking lives that, amidst the detritus of dismissed thoughts, there are invariably a great many that could have been of high value, if only we had dared to examine them further, if only we hadn’t been so scared of their less conventional and more speculative dimensions, if only we hadn’t been so resistant to an occasional burst of ‘mad’ thinking….”

Yes! That’s some mad thinking right there, and I daresay the author is spot on. Sooooo, here’s some mad thinking that goes against what everyone is saying right now. Many people are encouraging us to rid ourselves of people right now. For every reason. It’s the way we “ought to think” in this day and age, they say. Every other article is about “toxic people,” and how to get them out of our life.

Boy, I’m glad that God doesn’t throw out everyone who doesn’t meet his expectations. Everyone who exhibits toxic behaviors – who tells a lie, who isn’t accountable, who is too bossy. But, let’s dare to do some Mad Thinking…and let’s forgive. Yes. forgive. Let’s not throw away every soul who has hurt us. But, keep them. Ooooh, sounds a bit crazy.

I’m not saying that we let abusers abuse us. I have healthy boundaries and strong self-esteem. And you should, too. Here’s what I’m saying.

Every great relationship is the combo of two very good forgivers. I know this is true for us! We have failed and succeeded in forgiveness in marriage. Succeeding is muuuuuch better.

When two imperfect people are in a close relationship, someone will inevitably hurt someone. That’s just part of life. The trick is knowing how to offer forgiveness to one another meaningfully so you’ll be ready to face those times head-on. 

But why oh why do I have to do it?

Happy relationships = Forgiveness.

If you are happily married and you want to stay that way, then there will come a point when you have to forgive something. Lots of somethings, over and over, actually. Sustaining a marriage or any relationship without forgiveness is highly unrealistic. So no matter how difficult it might seem at the time, your relationship needs forgiveness to thrive. For all the little things. And for those big, even unspeakable things.

Forgiveness works for more than marriage. Many of us are in love relationships but aren’t yet married. Or we have siblings. Or friendships. Forgiveness is needed in all relationships because all relationships are made up of, well, us.

 What is forgiveness?

Well, it’s mad! Forgiveness is surrendering the right to retaliate against someone who has hurt you. If that makes you squirm, you’re not alone. I’m doing a little wiggling right now. Giving up a right feels un-American. Especially when all we hear and read is about standing up for our rights. But current culture doesn’t always get it right.

Yes, it’s a costly and challenging thing to extend. It’s mad. Kinda crazy.

Here are some tips.

1. Remind yourself that you will need forgiveness one day too.

When your partner stumbles significantly, you may feel like there’s nothing you’d do that bad. But, no one’s perfect. Who knows what temptations wait for you? Please consider giving your partner the consideration you’d want in a similar circumstance.

2. When you extend forgiveness to your partner, figure it out with them. 

Be honest about how the hurt has affected you and the relationship. In the process of forgiveness, don’t just forgive and forget. Forgive, but educate your partner about how they can better handle your heart with care in the future. And forgiving is not the same as relinquishing your boundaries and dignity. Hold your partner accountable for what they did and what is expected of them in the future.

3. Realize that forgiveness is a choice.

You may never move forward if you wait for all the hurt to disappear before offering forgiveness. You can decide to forgive while your mind and heart still sort out the anger and pain. In fact, often, making that decision spurs you there more quickly.

4. Forgiveness is hard work.

When we’ve been wronged, we often want to lay back and let the other person do the work. Yes, they need to work and show commitment. You didn’t tear it up, after all. But only you can unpack and rid yourself of the feelings that the incident brought into your life.

5. Learn something and own your part.

Nothing happens in a vacuum. Rather than putting your focus and energy only on your partner’s mistake, ask what role you played. Honestly, it may be a small or large part, but owning your piece is a healthy step.

6. Don’t be the iceberg that sinks the Titanic.

Sometimes we harbor our right to have the upper hand in the relationship to the point where we risk losing the whole shebang. I get it; it feels good to be mad. And you want to make your point. This is important, dang it. 

Yes, forgiveness is a process, and they do have to be patient. But are you actively moving through the process or stewing a little too long? If boundaries have been set, are being respected, and the other person is doing what they need to do, decide if this relationship is something you want. If it is, perhaps it’s time to take more steps toward forgiveness. It’s OK to enlist a therapist or marriage counselor for some help.

This is a Christmas message.

What better time than at Christmas to tackle this subject? Christmas is when God sent his son as the greatest act of forgiveness toward us. Most of us didn’t even ask him for it.  If you ask me, that’s the thing that’s mad. I can’t think of a better time to consider how we handle mad forgiveness ourselves. Consider the quote above. I agree with the one below wayyyy more.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32 

I wrote about the subject of trusting your spouse. It might be something you’d like.

Like A Bowling Ball

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