Not getting what you need from a relationship is a real struggle. And over time, this is one of the main reasons why relationships fail.
Why a relationship fails can be anything. Maybe he had an affair. Maybe you did. Maybe money is tight and you worry all the time. He is just not holding up his end of the bargain. It was supposed to be different. You don’t talk anymore or you fight too much. Perhaps you are feeling alone in your relationship in every way. Perhaps you started out strong, but things have led to you just not feeling the love anymore. She’s changed and won’t sleep in the same bed anymore, let alone have sex with you.
These are real tough situations that a lot of people find themselves to be in. They hurt. But as a Christian relationship expert, I’ve seen situations like these turn around. And over time with commitment from both people, it’s possible to build emotional connection in a relationship.
According to world-renowned marriage expert John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, the magic ratio of 5 to 1 is key to a happy relationship. For every negative feeling or interaction, there needs to be five positive feelings or interactions. That means that it IS possible to save your relationship when it’s falling apart. Learning how to be emotionally available to your partner is one of the biggest insights of Dr. John Gottman’s research that has saved many a relationship.
Insight #1: Understanding a successful relationship
In the ’70s, he and his team interviewed and measured the physiology of thousands of couples using electrodes in what started as Dr. John Gottman’s Love Lab. When they analyzed the data, they saw apparent physical differences among the couples. Couples became aggressive toward one another with quick heart rates, active sweat glands, and fast blood flow which earned them the title of “Disasters” but they appeared calm during the interviews. Their bodies were in fight-or-flight mode—like there was, say, a big ole tiger in the room.
On the other hand, the Masters’ physiology was calm. They showed compassion in relationships even when they were dealing with power struggles. The Masters had a climate of trust and intimacy so they could build an emotional connection in a relationship.
Dr. John Gottman followed these couples for several years. He found that the reason why relationships fail was that these couples were physiologically active in the lab. There was emotional withdrawal in their relationships.
Insight #2: Understanding what is a healthy loving relationship?
Dr. John Gottman followed up with more marriage and relationship research in the 1990’s. He wanted to understand what caused the Masters to have this trust and intimacy, and thus the long-lasting relationships.
He created another love lab to look like a beautiful bed-and-breakfast retreat and invited 130 newlywed couples to watch how they spend their vacation. He made a crucial discovery.
Throughout the day, partners would initiate “bids for connection” as Gottman puts it. People who turned toward their spouses showed interest and support in the bid for connection.
Example of Bids for Connection
Let’s pretend that the husband is a car enthusiast and notices a 1970 Dodge Challenger, and he says to his wife, “Look at that beautiful Challenger!” He’s not just commenting on the car. He’s asking for a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the car.
She has a choice. According to Dr. John Gottman’s “emotional bids,” she can respond by “turning toward” or “turning away from” her husband. Though the car comment might seem minor, it can reveal a lot about the relationship’s health. The husband thinks the car is significant enough to bring it up in conversation. Does his wife recognize and respect this?
Those who turned away continued doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Today, that would include looking at your phone. This evidence showed a lack of emotional responsiveness in a relationship.
Six years later, the couples who had engaged at least 87% of the time at the retreat were still together. Couples who had engaged 33 percent or less of the time? Divorced. This kind of emotional engagement in relationships was the backbone behind the Secret Love Language.
A Story about Our Husband and Wife Relationship
Over one weekend, my husband and I were in the kitchen together making breakfast while listening to great music. It struck me that we were having these “bids for connections” Gottman spoke of. I requested the connection and Bobby turned toward me and vice versa. Our interactions were about music and cars. One was about both.
Bobby is a guitarist, a professional drag racer, and the ultimate Car Guy. Did you know that Blues guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepherd has a Mopar car collection including a custom General Lee? No? Well, if you had been in my kitchen connecting with my oh-so-fascinating man, you would know this amazing fact. Ha!
While Bobby was sitting next to me later reading this post, I brought up that this interaction is one of our secret love language of relationships. He said, “I didn’t have a chance to tell you, but I was invited to go to the Flashlight Drags this morning. But these mornings together are so fun. I just didn’t want to miss it. I love it when you are at the stove making breakfast, you’re smiling, and we’re listening to music. And you were so cute this morning when you told me you were making me ‘Monster French Toasts!’ I couldn’t help but come over and kiss you.”
Years of turning toward each other are key to building intimacy in a relationship, a yearning to be together and peace, the kind of intimate relationship stories I’ve been sharing in this blog. Even Flashlight Drags cannot compete. LOL.
Emotional Bids: What You Can Do
- Turn toward your partner. Be engaged. Say, “Wow, I love that Challenger!” Then explain why. These conversations will save your relationship in ways you couldn’t even imagine.
- Show appreciation for your spouse. Do you know that people who focus on criticizing their partners miss 50 percent of the positive things their partners are doing?
- Be kind to your spouse. The more kindness your spouse receives, the more s/he will reciprocate that kindness. During a fight, explain why you’re hurt and angry or just by tempering your words. Don’t throw spears. They hurt, you know.
- Assume your partner’s intentions are good toward you. Often, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if they execute poorly.
- Share in the joy of your partner’s good news.
- Smile!
Bottom line? Contempt is the death knell for a relationship. The best kind of advice I can give as a relationship expert is expressing those bids for attention. Kindness glues couples together. If you want to have a robust relationship, express compassion in your relationship early and often. And if you are wondering how to find the right partner, these lessons and tips will help and ultimately, how to prepare for marriage.
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