How To Show Respect to Your Partner

My husband is a champion drag racer. He’s driven fast cars. Dangerous cars. And I’ve worried. This career we’ve traversed together has stretched our marriage in difficult ways. And in profoundly satisfying ways. Every day felt like a new test as we climbed the ladder with new expectations and no time to get comfortable before the next one arose. One of my biggest challenges, maybe you can relate, has been how to show my husband respect. It’s not that I’ve been outright disrespectful. But, love without expectations seems to be easier to understand and accomplish. But it’s taxing to trust and respect each other, especially on roads you’ve never traveled together. 

I think this one is tough for everyone. But there are ways to show respect in a relationship. And as I like to do in case you haven’t noticed, I’ll share another quick story about our husband and wife relationship around this topic. 

Showing My Husband Respect

It was 2003, and we were starting to become players despite our low budget status. We hadn’t yet won any races, but we could feel it coming, were hungry for it, and every race was a battle for the next step up. Our first win would arrive the next year, but we didn’t know that.

We were in Bowling Green, Kentucky. It was a regional race, and the most important national event of the year, the “BIG GO” at Indianapolis, was the following week. Our Number Two engine was on its last leg, but we needed to save Number One for Indy. In the first round, the car got out of shape, and Bobby pedaled it. The engine exploded, and all eyes were glued to the fire and the grey smoke rising into the blue sky. I stood there frozen in horror on the starting line. But that’s not where the “respect” part of the story actually happens. 

Wait for it…

We jumped into the tow vehicle, and I was underway before the doors even closed. The car was sliding around in its oil, but finally, it skittered to a halt. I thought, “Good, now he can get out. Get out, Honey.” He didn’t. What? I heard the crew in the back talking low to one another about the possibility that he had been knocked out. I prayed and held on to my composure. I’m a formidable racer. I don’t get scared. On the outside.

NHRA’s Safety Crew, whom I love with all my heart, pulled alongside the car. We arrived, and we saw Bobby exit the car as they extinguished the fire! Thank you, Jesus. The team jumped out as I slumped in the driver’s seat, my whole body exhaling terror. I pulled myself out of the truck. All were busy getting the car off the track so that the race could go on, but I needed to go and touch that man. Somewhere. Anywhere. I helped him off with his helmet and gloves and just held his shoulders for a minute. He was calm. Annoyingly so, if I’m honest. He gave me a hug and words of love, and we got down to the business of getting the car back to the pit.

The debriefing

In the pit, Bobby explained that he didn’t immediately exit the car because he didn’t want to discharge the onboard fire bottles unnecessarily, and he was assessing the fire’s progression as he awaited the safety crew. 

What? WHAT?!!?!! He was waiting inside a burning car…assessing? My mood moved from grateful to glowering in 5 seconds flat, and all of the reasons why he shouldn’t have done that hovered on my tongue. Only my racing experience – I wish I could say my relationship experience – stopped those words from blurting out as I forced myself to listen.

The story from where he sat

Bobby knew the engine was on its last legs, and he was not surprised when it came apart. He knew that he first had to get the car stopped safely, and he focused on staying in his lane as it slid in oil. He thought through if he wanted to hit the fire bottles or not. We were on a budget, and they are expensive to refill. And deploying them makes a mess of the car, and the crew needed to get the trashed engine out and the good one installed and fix all the other things an explosion breaks before we had to leave for Indy.

Because this was not his first funny car fire, he knew the signs of a fire coming into the cockpit. It wasn’t. So he loosened his seat belt in preparation for the emergency exit and placed his hand at the ready to hit the bottles. He felt comfortable waiting for the safety crew to approach, tools in hand, before getting out. He looked directly at me when he said, “I was never afraid, and I followed a plan.”

Well. OK. I was still quite mad. I didn’t know that I agreed with this plan. But it was hard not to be impressed by my husband’s extreme skill, composure, and experience. Well, I definitely respected my husband at that moment!!

After pondering this decision over some years, I’ve come to realize that respecting your partner in a relationship means that you accept somebody for who they are, even when they’re different from you or you disagree with them. Respect in your relationship builds feelings of trust, safety, and well-being. But this doesn’t have to come naturally – believe me, I know. Respect for your partner is something you learn.

Thank God I didn’t have to endure many lessons like that. You probably don’t either. But, how can we show respect to one another in our everyday lives? Read on for 6 ways to show respect in a relationship. 

#1. Assume your partner has good intentions toward you

Showing respect in a relationship means assuming that your partner has good intentions towards you regardless of the situation. Are there times when the first reaction to your partner’s behavior doesn’t match up with the actual situation? In other words, is it possible that you might sometimes assume wrongly what your partner intended? You chose this person because you judged them to be a good person – to love without expectation. Would it make more sense to ask outright? How about: “You seem unhappy tonight. What’s going on?”

#2. Practice good listening

Active listening has many benefits in your relationships. It allows you to understand your partner’s point of view and respond with empathy. Being heard in a relationship is necessary. Like me, you might be tempted to always jump in with a “quick fix.” I don’t know about you, but I always have an opinion. Maybe the other person may want to be heard. Or, perhaps they know more than you think. Or they may know more than you. Learning how to be a better listener to your partner is part of communication.

#3. Show that you trust in their intelligence, skills, and problem-solving

I’m going to pick on women here. I can because I am one and I know we do this. Look, we love romance books and movies, and the men in them. The heroes are strong and they get the job done. We like that. Then why do we start trying to take over every little thing the minute we’re in a relationship with one? this is definitely not the way to build intimacy in a relationship. I’m a strong woman; I hope you are, too. But there’s room for more than one strong person in your relationship. Let him be the man God intended him to be and you do you.

#4. Compromise when necessary

I love to get what I want. Who doesn’t? Getting what you want feels good. But compromising is showing respect in a relationship, and it helps you and your partner to grow together as a team. It shows that you have a common goal in mind: a healthy partnership rather than your particular happiness.

#5. Speak kindly about each other

My husband and I have a sacred rule. We may disagree about something, but when the door opens to the world, we’re one in everything. I believe everyone should seek wise counsel, and sometimes we need advice about a relationship issue to improve communication in marriage, for starters. 

But, we need to choose our advisors carefully. If your partner is a good person with good intentions toward you, no friend should agree with you when you’re irrationally angry just for the sake of agreeing. Choose a person who will challenge you when necessary and respects your partner and the relationship. And your discussions should always remain confidential.

#6. Get some good ol’ fashioned Christian relationship advice 

God talks about honoring others a lot including your partner! God says, “Don’t just pretend that you love others: really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with brotherly affection and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12: 9-10).

“Take delight in honoring each other.” Hmm. Honor means to defer to others, loving without expectations, and without thinking about your love as a transactional relationship. It’s saying “you first.” I’m not the best at this, but as a Christian marriage expert, I’m getting better at letting God guide my relationship every day.

How about you? You first.

Try this test if you want to save your relationship. Remember you don’t always need to solve your partner’s problem!

 

A Post Worth Reading: Assuming Positive Intent is a Relationship Superpower | Founder’s Foundry

 

Suffering from a lack of emotional connection in a relationship? I know exactly the stuck place you’re in. You’ve come to the right place. Just jump right into the positive relationship advice arena. I’ve got your back. Subscribe to get weekly notifications for this relationship blog. And if you have any questions, feel free to comment on this post. I’ll respond to it!