Racing and Life: The Wall’s Teachings

Drag racing is dangerous. My husband, Bobby, is a professional funny car driver. Over the years, I’ve seen many racecars crash. As much as I love this sport, it can tear your heart out to lose beloved friends to it.

The two most common safety issues in our sport are cars catching fire and cars hitting the wall. Often, these incidents occur simultaneously.

Bobby has been on fire three times. I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more just to…never see that again. OK, if you didn’t get that joke, you’re too young. Or I’m too old. Haha! Jokes aside, it’s horrifying to watch the most precious thing in your life barreling away from you at 260 mph, engulfed in flames.

I am happy and very grateful to say that he’s never hit the wall.

We started our racing career on small, backwoods tracks. These tracks are narrower, bumpier, and less standardized than national event tracks, making them particularly challenging for new drivers. Boy, do we have stories! I’ll share a link to one at the end. Spoiler alert: We had an argument right there on the starting line because I told him he wasn’t racing at that dang track. You would have, too! It looked like two sidewalks with a strip of grass in between. He won that argument, by the way. Truth be told, we love these tracks. Everyone does. They’re classic, unique, the fans are hardcore, and the vibe is unmatched.

And those tracks? They teach a driver how to drive like nothing else can. I contend that they taught him how to keep the car in the groove, know when to lift his foot to avoid danger and know how to manhandle the car down the track in tricky situations. Often, he relied on prayer and, at least one time, for Jesus to take the wheel.

The Wall

I’ve often thought that the lessons we’ve learned in racing are microcosms of the essential lessons we need to learn in life. It’s why I tell so many racing stories. ‘The Wall’ is undoubtedly one of those crucial lessons.

“The wall” is the concrete barrier on either side of the track that keeps the race cars from going off the track. It’s similar to a guardrail on the highway.

Here’s what the wall looks like at a national event track. If you look at the middle of the track, the blackest area in the center is “the groove.” This looks like a funny car test session; otherwise, there would be a lot more people teeming around. (This previous sentence has nothing to do with the story, by the way. I chose this picture because you can see the wall and groove so well. But I tow the racecar to the starting line, and there are ten times the people up there usually. Makes it tricky. If you ever hear in the news that someone accidentally ran over a crew chief on the starting line, call me. I might be in trouble.)

Hitting the wall can happen through no fault of the driver. But I’ve stood on the starting line and observed run after run. I’ve asked Bobby endless questions, and I think I’ve learned a few things.

Some drivers are more skilled than others in the art of “keeping the car in the groove.” This means keeping it in the middle of the track where the rubber is, and therefore where the traction is. Running a funny car on a surface with no traction is like driving a car on a hockey rink with your foot to the floor. And keeping a funny car in the middle of the track is no small feat even with traction. Have you ever seen an in-car camera facing a funny car driver? Not a dragster, but a funny car. Watch how they manhandle the small steering wheel. Those cars are beasts, and they fight that beast the whole way down the track. Google it. We’re going to be showing some this season on Bobby’s site, Bobby Martin Racing.

There’s another key to being a great driver: judgment. In a 260-mph race car, drivers have only seconds to make sound decisions. Those with good judgment are the best drivers, and as they gain more experience, they learn to use their judgment and think quickly, even at high speeds. One of the most common errors in judgment I’ve seen is not lifting their foot from the throttle when they should. When the car is getting out of shape and heading toward the wall, they often think they can save it, or they’re too deep in race mode and value winning over safety. It’s understandable; we’re competitive! But we sometimes learn too late that it’s better to lose that run and come back to race another day.

Stay in the Groove

I said earlier that the lessons Bobby and I have learned in racing are microcosms of the essential lessons we need to learn in life. Life is a lot like drag racing. It needs walls. You can think of them as guardrails, too. Guardrails allow us to do fun things. Incredible things. Things we are meant to do. Were made to do.

Guardrails allow us to do all of these things and, at the same time, keep us from hurting ourselves and others.

There are all kinds of guardrails that we need in life so we can stay in the groove and win the race. So we can thrive. We need guardrails related to spending money, having sex, eating, alcohol, and so many other things, right? We live a bold, daring, beautiful life. And it’s not without its risk, I think you’ll agree. But living any life, let alone a bold life, without guardrails is like sending a two-year-old out into the world to fend for themselves.

Now, this is a blog about marriage and relationships. How do guardrails relate? I’ve been honored to counsel couples when they’re in trouble. Anyone who has counseled for any length of time knows that one of the greatest regrets related to couples in relationship counseling is infidelity. And for many couples, it seems to come from out of the blue. So unexpected! We’ve been married 36 years, and I can’t imagine wanting anyone else but Bobby. But we’re not so proud to think that we can’t fail. Why would we be any different than some of the good people whom we’ve counseled? One of the things that we did at the beginning of our marriage was put some guardrails in place.

Guardrails are not there because we don’t trust one another. Instead, they are there because of our profound and deep love and honor we have for one another.

So, I’m proposing that you put into place your own guardrails—those things that you decide will keep you from hurting yourself and others, too. Not our guardrails. Yours. Everyone should decide on their own, but I’ll be transparent and share ours.

 Here’s Our List.

1. Stay in the groove. Live your life on the straight and narrow by avoiding trouble and living a good and honest life. If anything is sending you outside the middle of the road and you’re looking at the wall, lift off the throttle. For example, has a work colleague or friend shared that they and their spouse aren’t getting along, and they wish he or she were more like you? Let your spouse know and distance yourself from that person.
2. Fight the beast. Sometimes you have to fight to stay in the groove. Perhaps you need counseling to fight an addiction that’s hurting your marriage, or you need to seek relationship counseling. Are you and your spouse drifting apart? Is someone stealing your spouse’s attention? Fight for them! Do what you need to do to get the relationship back on track. Pun intended.
3. Spend time together. We all have a deep need to be loved, wanted, and cared for. Spend time together. Date nights are a must to keep things humming along. Look under categories here and find “Date Nights” for some ideas.
4. Put on your armor. Read God’s word. You’ll have access to God’s resources, wisdom, power and the weapons He has placed at your disposal. Pray for your spouse and with your spouse. Personally, I have not found anything to be more intimate than praying with Bobby. Nothing brings us closer.
5. Keep it hot. If the bedroom needs some improving, make it a priority. See a sex counselor. Take a vacation just for couples. Ask each other what you need to do for each other to get there. And Girls, here’s some information you need to know. According to Psychology Today’s article “The Truth About Men and Sex” for men, “Sex is love. Sexual release makes men feel like they are finally home. After the world’s hurts and challenges, sex embodies love and care and provides soothing and support. While he may be accused of only wanting sex, most men want and feel a much more emotional connection than a simple bodily release. Making love literally creates a deep feeling of attachment to his partner and spurs relational generosity, faith and optimism. Being desired by his partner can be the single most reassuring part of his relationship.” It’s not just sex to him.
6. Avoid spending significant alone time with the opposite sex. This sounds extreme to a lot of our friends, and sometimes it can be awkward trying to explain. But we’ve agreed that whenever we can, we just avoid it.  Neither of us think we’re irresistible. But if significant alone time with your partner develops a closer relationship, shouldn’t you save that time and the feelings that result for them? If I’m going to have a man as a best friend, that man is going to be Bobby.
7. Avoid any and all secrets. We know all the passwords. Our phones are wide open territory. Our shared bank account is view-able by both of us. Nothing is off limits. Our digital lives are so open that we often have a hard time surprising one another. I was trying to secretly research guitar amps one time for a gift, and within minutes Bobby was seeing ads about the exact model.  But so be it. It’s one way we show our openness and trust in each other, and it shuts off any avenue for secrets.
8. Realize the grass is not likely greener elsewhere.  Don’t compare your partner to what you think others are like.  Everyone – your partner and the ones you compare them to – are all flawed human beings. You know all of your partner’s weaknesses. You haven’t begun to understand someone else’s.
9. Keep your private feelings private. This is crucial. Don’t emotionally confide in a member of the opposite gender. This can lead to what is called an emotional affair, which can easily escalate to a physical one. If you feel like you can’t confide in your partner, you need to ask yourself why. What is it that makes you turn to others? When you open up to a member of the opposite sex who isn’t your partner, you’re essentially saying, “I need to talk – and I don’t want to do it with my partner.” Instead, open up to your partner regularly. Make sure they know your thoughts, dreams, worries, happy moments, and whatever else is on your mind. Make them your #1 go-to for all things you and expect the same in return.
10. Don’t speak badly of your partner. Talk them up. Even if you feel like you need to vent, speaking negatively about your partner to others won’t help. We all have problems and things to work on in our relationships. Save those conversations for just the two of you.
11. Never, ever flirt with anyone but your partner. Never. Ever. Ever. It’s not innocent, it’s not harmless, and it can lead to trouble.

As promised, here’s the story about the track that Bobby and I fought about. He won, but he was right about this one.: Like a Bowling Ball – Hey Get A Room